Nitty~Gritty

random thoughts about my life

Last night I laid on the couch when the boys went to get some dinner and I realized an all too familiar feeling of anxiety crept back into my life. It was quiet in the house as I was reading my book. I could of course hear myself reading but the stillness just got under my skin. My breathing started to quicken and I could feel my muscles tighten in an attempt to remain calm. I guess the road rage incident and the person rear-ending me this week triggered some deep shit. I don’t want to get in my car with spirited toddler because I want to keep him safe, which in my mind lately means away from cars and angry drivers. Now, I know this is an irrational fear but it’s still real in my head today. As I was driving to work I burst out crying because I realized that every time I put on the breaks, I was looking in my rear view mirror to make sure the car behind me was indeed stopping and not using my car as their brake. The constant tensing up and gasping when they came close became exhausting. Last night when the boy’s left, I had a mini panic attack thinking, “what if cute hubby didn’t buckle his seat belt right?” Or worse, I had this picture of them being killed and me being left alone. I felt so isolated and insignificant all at once. I hate it when someone causes me to stop living peacefully and apparently the two screaming crazy women who came at me with their car have left me full of anxiety and fear. Now I know that anxiety is just fear of losing control so yes I’ll admit it, I’m scared that the two most important people in my life will die and leave me. I can’t live like that but I’ll tell ya, today I’m having to really control my thoughts which seems funny because my thoughts are reminding myself that I’m not in control. I don’t want the crazy people in the world to stop making me optimistic but it’s been hard today.

I told cute hubby what’s been going on in my mind these last couple of days but I’m not sure he really gets it, which leaves me feeling a bit crazy. He’s so good though because he really listens to me and hugs me even though I know he doesn’t understand. Writing about it helps.

posted by: hookemup at 14:15 | link | comments (3) |

Comments:

#1  15 May 2004 - 21:52

 

I think you're having a perfectly normal reaction to a series of terrifying situations. I don't know what helps it except for time, and the assurance from someone else who's been there that you're not crazy. I hope you feel better soon.

Annonymous

#2  15 May 2004 - 23:15

 

I know what you mean about looking in the rearview mirror after an accident like yours. I was the same way after my rear ending. I know this is just me, but I realized that if I didn't look out the front window more than the rearview mirror that my eyes weren't on the road in front of me.

XOXOXOX

Muskrat28

#3  16 May 2004 - 12:18

 

Ugh. Anxiety. I had a burst of it last week that lasted exactly two seconds, but even that was enough. It felt like my chest was going to swing open and my heart was going to run across campus away from me, away from my unhealthy diet and cigarette smoking. Keep your chin up. Everything's okay.

zithereen

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