Nitty~Gritty

random thoughts about my life

I was thinking today about how blogging is actually a struggle for me.  Well, my hands struggle.  One wants to write creatively as if no one was reading this but the other hand, the editor, slows me down and throws caution signals in my head to not type certain things. It makes me stop and think about who will read this and what will they think.  I’m caught in the middle.

If no one were reading this, I’d probably write about how I claim to hate reading yet I let spirited toddler watch videos so I can read just one more blog, which makes me feel guilty. Maybe if no one were reading this, I’d write about how much I hated breastfeeding the entire 16 months I did it. Everyone said it would be this huge bonding experience but it made me feel resentful every time I saw my engorged breasts in the mirror.  Maybe I’d write something sweet like how much I love our church because it’s filled with gay couples and these beautiful men from Sudan. No, I’d probably write about how I hate all the saguaro cacti around me yet I claim to love them.  Maybe if no one read what I wrote, I’d write about what I was really thinking in Vegas.  Ya, I’d tell you that the entire time I was there I was fantasizing about having cute hubby with me and ordering a prostitute like room service.  I figured what goes on in Vegas stays in Vegas so we could get a freebie.  I think I’d tell you that cute hubby’s obsessed about me telling him stories in bed about how I was with women in college but the truth is I was drunk every time and don’t remember details so I make most of it up.  I’d probably write about how I once had this extremely high paying job that caused me anxiety attacks.  I’d tell you that there was this woman who would try to intimidate me and it actually worked. When I left, I told the owner that I thought she was stealing because she always had new clothes on.  Well, about a week later, by ex-boss called to tell me the good news.  That same woman was taken out in handcuffs in front of all the employees because after listening to me, he decided to set up a hidden camera.  I was right but I’m still pissed I missed the show.  I’d probably write about how this morning I looked at cute hubby and thought, “damn, look at him, he’s so sexy and smells great.”  But then about two seconds later, I wondered if he was putting cologne on for me or someone else.  I probably would not write about how much I love listening to the Dixie Chicks when I’m cleaning my house though. Oh, but I’m sure I’d write about how much I love flirting with this one particular person who reads my blog.  In fact, I’d probably write about how much I wanted to meet this person and make love to him and I’m actually a bit resentful that the institution of marriage doesn’t encourage this. Maybe I’d also write about how much I hate the site of my belly button and that when I take a bath, I try not to look at it.  If this was my own personal journal, I’d write about how I’m obsessed with all reality TV shows and I’m not afraid to admit it, well at least when someone mentions them first.  I don’t think I’d write about how I secretly love reading knitting blogs. You see I can’t seem to get past knitting the same scarf.  It’s the same but often in different colors and different lengths.  If no one read what I wrote, I’d probably write about my fear of failure and my fear of success.  Or, maybe I’d write about how I bought these “meal replacement” bars today because I was in need of a healthy snacking alternative but I ate them all for lunch which kind of defeats the whole purpose.  I guess this hand struggle thing really protects me in the long run. 

posted by: hookemup at 18:20 | link | comments (8) |

Comments:

#1  29 April 2004 - 03:29

 

you make me want to cry and I don't know why. I guess it's those experiences and longing and hating that make us human. Don't feel bad about wanting and hating. It's all part of life's game.

harriene79

#2  29 April 2004 - 04:02

 

The great thing about blogs is that we're all faceless people in the world -- faceless yet beautiful nevertheless. I think you should try writing whatever it is you want. Take your time, but i have to say you now have a spectator in me. :)

TechieIdiot

#3  29 April 2004 - 04:11

 

I think you should forget about your audience and write whatever is on your mind. For every person you turn off, you'll turn on five more. ;) Everyone has thoughts and feelings that they're not especially proud of.

Annonymous

#4  29 April 2004 - 05:38

 

:-)

BanzaiDescent

#5  29 April 2004 - 16:28

 

Please! Don't ever stop writing. Dear Brian is write. You can't be everything to everyone. With a blog the only editor and censor you have is yourself.
Your number one fan. :o)

Muskrat28

#6  29 April 2004 - 16:41

 

I love how you just wrote about everything you fear writing about. You're brilliant. I mean brilliant.

SadProfessor

#7  29 April 2004 - 22:26

 

if no one were reading this i would probably say this is one of your best posts. and i'd probably write that i wish it was me who you were flirting with and fantasizing about. and i'd wonder if you had a dishwasher too.

bluematrix

#8  07 May 2004 - 14:39

 

just write

Mo'nonymous

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