Nitty~Gritty

random thoughts about my life

My clock says 4:58am. I've been looking at it since 3:17am. I was lying in bed unable to sleep again which gets me anxious. I think, "oh no, it's 2am what am I doing up? I hope I can go back to sleep. Oh no, it's not working...it's now 2:38. Shit, why can't I sleep? I'm exhausted." I guess this is what most insomniacs go through. I usually get up and get busy because lying there makes it worse but there's always that glimpse of hope that maybe you'll fall back asleep. I couldn't get up this time due to someone pinning my arm down while they snoozed away. Listening to someone sleep next to you makes it worse. I listened to cute hubby breathe, wishing the entire time that I was in that deep sleep so I take a deep breath and try to mock his repeated in and out, but this just makes me hyperventilate if I do it for too long. My breaths are much shorter due to being wide awake. I can't stop thinking about work and how working with a friend makes it so hard because right now I feel like I'm doing all the work which makes me want to yell at her that I can't handle everything but I know most relationships are never 50/50 and that keeping score mentally will quickly lead you to anger and resentment which will kill the relationshiip. When I first got married, I thought that's how it should be...we split everything but now I realize we both give what we can which somedays may be minimal. Hopefully, you're able to give more on the days your partner is empty. But that's just it. When I'm having a bad day, I'm able to recognize that cute hubby is filling in the gaps for me so when I'm able, I reciprocate. That's the problem with my business partner. She's been showing up late after I've done the work. I've given 3 private lessons because at the time, I was the only one able too but we split everything which right now doesn't seem the least bit fair. I must practice...."No" "No" "No" Is it better to assert yourself or to have a healthy relationship? Well, I guess feeling this way at 5:11am isn't healthy for anyone.

posted by: hookemup at 04:17 | link | comments (9) |

Comments:

#1  25 January 2004 - 04:20

 

poor poor you. insomnia sounds terrible.

ania

#2  25 January 2004 - 05:20

 

i always think honesty is the best policy. if you tell your partner calmly that lately you feel a little overwhelmed and you sure could use her there on time every day, i'm sure she'll understand. if not, feel free to kick her ass.

Snookums

#3  25 January 2004 - 06:13

 

asserting yourself realistically and honestly MAKES the relationship healthy. I have been in your position, and I regret not having been more assertive. Does she have a spirited toddler? If not, then she can't possibly begin to understand. Take care of yourself!

Mo'nonymous

#4  25 January 2004 - 07:56

 

I know that insomnia well. Clocks make it worse - it's like a slow countdown to the exhausted day you'll have if you don't sleep. And I know that constant whir of the mind. I've written and rewritten papers and lectures, evaluated the relationship I'm in (and all the relationships I've had), and worried about my finances. All while I pray and pray and pray for sleep, watching that slow countdown to an exhausted day.

Hope you managed to get some z's.

mariemarionette

#5  25 January 2004 - 08:10

 

clock-watching defintely makes it worse. I tend to give up actually trying to sleep by about two, and just resign myself to some spare hours to do whatever. read, watch a movie, sit outside and smoke and try to remember which stars belong to which constellations.

once I had me this friend who was also insomniac and lived within phone-call range. one of the nicer ways to spend those extra hours.

mictlantecuhtli

#6  25 January 2004 - 10:40

 

On Friday--after an enormously busy week--I was looking forward to a solid night's rest. I was so wound up that I couldn't get tired until after 6am. That happens to me rarely, but when it does it really stinks.

zithereen

#7  25 January 2004 - 12:42

 

I'm likewise, I'm an insomniac....Hi Likewise! Thanks everyone. It feels nice to finally admit it. 4 hours of sleep at most doesn't count as a nights sleep. I guess admitting it is the first step.

hookemup

#8  25 January 2004 - 19:02

 

i've never thought about it before but i do keep score mentally... it i realize now that is a very bad idea... thanks for the realization. good luck with your insomnia...

myblog

#9  25 January 2004 - 19:07

 

your backyard huh... were you trying to say that you are married to the publisher of that blog...?

myblog

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