I just finished reading Snow Flower and the Secret Fan. It was fascinating not only because I learned more about Chinese culture but the relationship between two women. I headed straight to the computer to look up foot binding. It’s amazing what some cultures think of as beautiful. I figure women here are no different, electing to have unnecessary surgery in order to increase their standing in society but these women had no choice. The book also discusses a secret language called nu shu. The women would sing this language in verses that mainly discussed the hardships of being born a woman. I know other cultures must think the things we do are crazy but keeping an entire sex basically upstairs doing embroidery, only coming down to cook and clean? Come to think of it, some of my friends feel trapped and slave like to their husband and homes but they choose that life. If a book sends you to do research, you know it’s worth reading. Any suggestions about what to read next?
Alas, my birthday camera!
Driving home, I’m caught off guard by the beauty of an airplane that appears to be asleep in the clouds. My heart leaks no fear, just peace. Remembering my fear of flying, I question why this is different? It’s because the plane is silent and I’m not sitting in its belly trying to control my breathing. Admiration from a distance.
I have theability to make fear come to life and latch itself around my neck, boa constrictor style. Fear of flying, fear of dying, fear of being hurt, I could go on and on, but my point is that every time fear comes up, I allow it to come inside and sample a piece of my soul. Silent moments of beauty also knock at my door but I’m too busy entertaining fear.
"Mommy, I'm going to give you a little piece of heaven, bend down." And then he kissed me.
It’s been eighty three hours since I’ve had phone sex
It’s been seventy hours since I’ve had caffeine
It’s been twenty one hours since I’ve had an orgasm
It’s been fourteen hours since I woke up
It’s been thirteen hours since I’ve shaved my bikini area
It’s been seven hours since I’ve looked up Howard’s blog
It’s been two hours since I discovered a dead bird floating in the pool
It’s been twenty minutes since I’ve noticed how erotic his scar is
“Go under again, I want to show you something,” he said. They dove to the bottom where he reached out and felt her shoulder and breast. Shocked, she swam to the top where he apologized. Quickly looking around for intruders, she grabbed his hand and swam them away from the light. Wrapping her thighs around his waist, they kissed with eyes open. Damn, she hadn’t meant for this to happen. Swimming to the steps, she hurried inside before no one at the party missed her. With towel wrapped around, she grabbed her clothes and headed to the bathroom where she noticed how hard her nipples were. Feeling beautiful, she slid two fingers inside herself knowing her marriage would never be the same.
Spirited kiddo has an imaginary sister named Naka. At first we thought it was cute but she’s getting herself into trouble. Spirited kiddo came into our room this morning claiming “Naka kept me up all night!” Apparently, she tells him it’s time to wake up and pushes him out of bed. Tonight, Naka spilled his milk so he suggested I “put her in time out.” I’ve had enough of Naka but don’t know how to get rid of her, any suggestions? I’m sick of hugging her goodnight.
Yesterday I was emotionally drained and in need of some husband time. I warned him every time he called that I’d need his attention which he agreed to over the phone so it’s not like I blindsided him. Nothing too serious, maybe some hugs and eye to eye contact while he listened to me ramble? Is that too much to ask for? The answer apparently is YES. He’s completely forgotten how to be gentle and loving. It’s just a smack on the ass and a thrust of the tongue these days. He later told me it takes him awhile to warm up to it, I had to be patient. I remember when sex was the uncomfortable part and flirting was the easy part.
We had company last night, two funny, cute, intelligent lesbians. The problem is that the banging headboard kept us up all night. In the beginning, it was funny and kind of kinky knowing there were two couples in the house fucking but then it became just down right irritating. For god sakes, everyone know you just put a pillow between the wall and the headboard right? So this morning I’m cutting cantaloupe. Soon showers will be taken, breakfast will be eaten and they’ll be on their way. We were merely a stop along the way.
I’m wearing an elastic necklace covered in bulky square beads given to me by a boy who missed me when I was gone. I’m also wearing diamond earrings from a man who missed me when I was near. Both are beautiful and equally important and make me feel loved. Our vacation was fabulous. We had breakfast by the pool, lunch in the casinos, and dinner on the terrace overlooking people just as happy. Surrounded by thousands, we still feel like the only two people on earth. Being in love is fabulous. Having someone who loves you at home waiting for you to return is also fabulous. Time together, time a part, it’s all part of the process of loving the people in my life.
There’s this place called Texas. Have you heard of it? The people that live here are so happy, considering that they’re surrounded by dead animals. You see them on the streets but the people here take them into their homes and display them over the fireplace. They love their state so much that making simple objects into the shape of Texas is like a sport. Just yesterday I ate a chip in the shape of Texas. Do other states eat Texas toast or do they have their own? What about the Texas tea bucket? Maybe it’s all that caffeine but their political views are wacky too. No matter what happens to our country, they never would ever consider changing their views. I haven’t seen many gay people in this place but everyone seems to have anti-abortion stickers on their cars. Speaking of cars, I’ve never seen so many Suburban’s in my life, plus they all have that annoying fish symbol. Jewelry and Jesus, that’s what the women love but their real passion is taking care of their husbands, whether they’re wearing camouflage or not.
Dear Subway Lady,
When you stood behind me today, I knew you were trouble. Look, its noon, we’re all hungry and none of us want to wait in line but that’s the rule bitch. Stop sighing in my ear and step back about a foot before I scream at you. No matter how often you say you’ll be late or moan, you still have to wait like the rest of us. You made my wait just as miserable as yours because you were rude, pushy and annoying. Take your Italian BMT with loads of Ranch dressing and shove it!
On another note: Kiddos huge infected bug bite isn’t any better so we start antibiotics today.
And again: Cute Hubbys stereo got stolen out of his car last night. Now he has to drive a clunker with a hole where the stereo should go and that's just wrong.
Kiddo got stung by something. I picked him up after he fell and he said someone shot him. There was a huge stinger in his little thigh. After pulling it out, he was still pretty upset. Well, it's two days later and it's gotten about 5 inches in diameter, bright red, and really hot. The pediatrician gave him a huge dose of Benadryl plus drew a circle around the rash. I was to call her if it went outside the circle. Well it got bigger and not it looks like leather. I'm supposed to call the doctor again at 2am which means I have the best pediatrican but that also means it's serious. I'm stressed and can't catch my breath. His collar bone seems to have healed but then this happens.
“Do we have to have sex again?” “Ok, but if you’re not done in five minutes, I’m throwing you off.” He took it as a challenge.
Normally, this would stop a man from having sex with you but when you’re trying to have a baby, its considered foreplay. I’d never make a good hooker.
Getting greens down a kid is one of my difficult tasks so I thought I’d sneak them in through a veggie corndog last night. After he took two bites, I patted myself on the back for another day of great parenting. Around 1am, I had second thoughts. “Help, I have diarrhea!” Later that night I was awakened twice more with the screams of a scared pooper perched on a potty, feet dangling. Needless to say, I was a wee bit tired this morning but my mood perked right up with a simple question from my brilliant son, “Mommy, what do Pirates smell like?” I was surprised he still had a sense of humor after last night’s tofu/veggie poisoning. I told him I’ve never been that close to a Pirate before. Understandably, he was disappointed.
I have to be honest with you. I thought I could just start blogging again and be funny and sexy like I was before but I can’t. My brain stopped being creative. My emotions have been blocking the passion for words. I even looked up “writers block” but they just tried to sell me stuff instead of motivate me.
All else has failed so I’m going to break this wall in hopes of being free again.
I disappeared from blog world for awhile because
- One day I was driving when I noticed blood. A lot of blood. After driving to the hospital, I was told I had a miscarriage. I didn’t even know I was pregnant.
- During this confusing time, I started to do what I know best, cook. More cooking equaled not dealing with the issue. Not dealing with the issue lead me to gain 40 pounds in the past year. I’m not joking….40 big ones!
- I want to have another baby but can’t seem to conceive again. I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m not healthy enough physically to carry a baby, but that just pisses me off and makes me embarrassed.
I really don’t want to have some lame ass weight loss blog or stories about the Weight Watcher freaks I meet at meetings but I may have to start tackling my problems in order to save myself and my family.
The good news is
- My husband loves me even more and our sex is hotter than ever
- My adorable four year old still tells me I’m “the best mommy ever.”
- I still love The Colbert Report.
There are three baby birds just outside my window driving me insane. I put up the cute birdhouse to look cute, not to house birds! I know, it’s selfish but I don’t get my house looking cute just for nature. One night as we were dining on the porch, I noticed a sparrow glaring at me. She would fly from a tree branch to the fence and back again like an aggressive hummingbird. Shortly after, I heard loud chirping and noticed three skinny hungry necks peeking out of the birdhouse hole. The problem is that they’re actually really loud and always hungry. I can’t move the birdhouse I know but I can’t sit outside comfortably either because the momma bird just sits and waits until I’m gone so I feel guilty like I’m starving her babies because I’m sitting outside with a glass of wine. I guess I’m stuck in the house until she pushes the little buggers out of the nest.
Today I feel ill equipped for life. Kiddo didn’t want to go to school today in fear someone would hurt his shoulder again. My mom just found out she’s got diabetes and Hospice has been called to grandma’s place. When loving someone so much that it hurts, I often wonder if it’s worth it. I prefer to be in the dark sometimes because I don’t really work through the uncomfortable parts in life but stew in it, internalize it. I want to crawl under the covers and come out when everyone is healthy and happy again.
