Nitty~Gritty

random thoughts about my life

Charlie was a dreadful man, whom my Southern charm did not work on.  Upon meeting, he managed to insult me three times in approximately the same amount of minutes.  After his daughter, my mother-in-law found me crying, she responded with an irritating, “That’s just Charlie.”  I knew from then on, he was a man to hate and ignore.  After he died, five years later, someone dropped a book in my lap.  The book was an old photo album from the 1940’s.  Back then, every picture was glued on bitter black paper leaving most of them falling apart to this day.  She knew of my matronly hobby, scrapbooking so she gave it to me to, “Do whatever you want with it.”  It sat on the top shelf of my closet with the expired shoes for two years.  Even though I never pulled it down and looked closely at it, it kind of haunted me.  I hated having Charlie in my closet.

The overwhelming task was minimized as soon as I got started.  I ripped the black and whites off of the tearing paper to put them in their new home.  Most of the pictures are from his service in the Marines during the Second World War so I cringed at a few pictures.  As the pictures were put in a peaceful setting, I began to see Charlie in a different way.  He was young, proud, and handsome.  I transposed my old images for the new ones and suddenly I felt peaceful.  Unfortunately, most pictures didn’t have anything written on the back but my imagination has taken over where there are gaps. 

Before, I wanted nothing to do with a history that included him but the process of removing the blackness has transformed my insides as well as the photo album. 

BeforeAfter

AfterAfter

posted by: hookemup at 20:41 | link | comments (3) |

Yesterday was my Anniversary.  We pulled out the old photo albums and reminisced, including reading our vows again.  I can honestly say I’m more in love now than I was then.  My morning started with these beautiful words from my husband, “Would you like to sleep in?”  What that means is, I’ll shut the door and keep things quiet until you wake up which instantly make me love him more.  When I finally woke up, I opened the door to what I thought was heaven but then I realized it was just a heavenly vision, my husband folding the laundry.  After making sure there was coffee, I headed to the shower. The vision in white peeked around the curtain before joining me.  The best part is yet to come, eleven more days until the real celebration begins.  Just the two of us will be heading to Vegas for a long weekend of celebrating, naughty style.

posted by: hookemup at 10:29 | link | comments (2) |

It’s a simple question really, “What would I do if I had no fear?”  This question has changed my week and my perspective of myself.  I think most of my decisions these days are sprinkled with fear so I’m going to change that.  If I had no fear, I would:

Fly to Paris to enjoy pastries and coffee while flirting with French men at an outdoor café.

I’d color my hair red and cut it all off.

I’d dress slutty.

I’d skydive.

I’d be honest with the ones that love me most.

I’d write an erotic book.

I’d paint the inside of my house purple and pink and fill it with fluffy pillows and candles.

I’d talk to strangers.

I’d audition for an artsy movie.

I’d be in a play.

I’d tell off my in-laws.

I’d film people for a documentary.

I’d try on my wedding dress without fear of still fitting into it.

I’d interview my parents about their lives because I still have this longing to know them deeper.

posted by: hookemup at 12:00 | link | comments (5) |

• Walked on the treadmill, listened to music, read a book, and whitened my teeth (that’s another addiction which may or may not be addressed later)
• Made pancakes, talked on the phone, and made lunches.
• Drove toddler to school while applying makeup, glancing at a magazine during red lights and lecturing him on not picking his nose.
• Went grocery shopping, picked my nose, got a mocha, mailed a package (all in the same store)
• Talked on the phone, made enchiladas, and unpacked the groceries while cleaning out the refrigerator.
• Watched “I Love Lucy”, knitted, and made a doctor’s appointment.
• Peed, plucked my eyebrows, and put on lipstick

• Took a hot bath, read a book, whitened teeth again, and drank some red wine. 
• Had sex, talked about my day, and made a mental list of things I need to get done.

posted by: hookemup at 10:44 | link | comments (2) |

Sorry about disappearing on you.  I should have stayed because you needed me but I bailed when you needed me most.  I couldn’t handle how much pain you were in.  I should have taken better care of you instead of pushing you to get over it.  I acted like it wasn’t a life but it was and I’m sorry, I should have let you grieve.  One minute we were having fun playing on the floor and the next thing I knew, you were screaming for an ambulance.  I’m sorry but I just couldn’t see you crying all the time.  I saw a cloud of depression linger in your room while you were in bed so I decided to leave but I regret that.  I should have told you to be patient and that I love you and you’re doing your best.  I should have looked back at you in the mirror and smiled but instead I was ashamed.  I wanted to apologize for leaving you when you needed me most.

posted by: hookemup at 21:51 | link | comments (2) |

He put a murder in prison for life yesterday.  The congratulation calls started coming in but I noticed when the talk didn’t settle down, I started to get anxious.  I began feeling small, insignificant so in my head I made an unhealthy list comparing our days.  Now don’t get me wrong, I know that as a mother I have the harder job and the one that makes a difference in the long run but let’s face it, I was damn jealous no one was calling to congratulate me on ironing 9 shirts in just under an hour. 

Wife Olympics, that’s where the money’s at!  I’d have at least three gold medals by now.  There could be the making a nutritious lunch with little in the refrigerator contest.

How about vacuuming while holding a 30-pound toddler who’s freaked out by the noise.

I know, the looking fantastic in a cocktail dress in 30 minutes because someone swore they mentioned it last week but you forgot race.

How about extreme dishwashing? That could be dangerous with soap and slippery floors.

I’d at least get silver, probably gold in the sex because you want to and not because you feel obligated competition.  This may be the downfall for some competitors so I recommend strength training.  Now I’ve got dreams.

posted by: hookemup at 12:10 | link | comments (3) |

I don't believe in God anymore.  I used to have this God that was an illusion of a man.  I thought I knew his characteristics but when I put them all together and gave it a face, I still couldn't picture him.  I may have felt him near me hovering or looking over my shoulder but he was always silent.  I wished God would join me for coffee on my oversized couch sipping out of my Day of the Dead mug but that never happened.  I was told this is who God is and this is what he wants for you but I never bought it. Not believing wasn't acceptable so there was always a struggle.  I think it's easy to believe in their God when your life is going your way but I don't believe anymore.   I don't know who God is.  In fact, I don't really know myself. 

I've been trying to recall my past self, my pre healthy marriage, house and cute kid days.  Let's think, she used to love coffee and the aroma of coffee shops, the ambiance.  Well, I'm in a coffee shop filled with busy strangers but I'm drinking decaff these days.  Minor detail.  She used to live out loud, telling people how she felt.  I guess today’s difference is that now she raises her voice and cries until something that resembles a feeling is expelled.  Ok, I'll work on that.  Here's the big one but it's a cliché, dream big.  I can't get beyond tiny projects that give me a sudden sense of accomplishment that dies with the day.  How do I get my dreams back?  How do I get myself back?  Baby steps.  Can one really create another God?  Maybe in my quest to find my God I'll find myself again.

posted by: hookemup at 12:33 | link | comments (8) |