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This weekend will be filled with friends but also family. My parents decided to meet a group of us in Vegas which is fine considering they're a lot of fun plus they offered to pay. I'm not in any shape to allow my pride to stop letting my parents take care of me but they've just informed me that we'll be sharing a room. At first, I thought, "oh, that's fine", but now I'm starting to get a little worried. Let me explain. This means when I wake up, my parents will be there. We've gone on family trips but usually a few hotel rooms are involved. It's probally been 10 years since I've slept near them but it's all starting to come back to me. My dad thinks sleeping in his underware counts as pajamas. Just because we're family doesn't mean I'm anywhere near being comfortable seeing either of them in their underware. I'll be forced to watch my mom take hours to get ready because there's plucking, rolling,and teasing involved and that's just for hair. Makeup is a whole other process that requires me to wait, stare, and question where I came from. Well, I came from Texas. Need I say more? Then the questions will start. They're usually the same ones I've been answering since college. "Don't you think your hair is getting too long dear?" "Why do you wear birkenstocks, aren't those for hippies?" "Here, put some lipstick on." "When will you be moving back to Texas?" Maybe this time I'll just tell them what they want to hear but then again that would probally confuse them too. I'm sure some of my time will be spent praying that I don't become them knowing full well that it's inevitable. The funniest thing is seeing my mother drink any alcohol. She has two sips and she's drunk. I am not joking either.Because of this, we love to tease her about being a lush and we take away her keys. She never drinks because God won't like that but it's ok if we drink. The entire time she's keeping tabs on how much each of us has consumed. She giggles and thinks she's having the time of her life. I just hope they won't be waiting up for me like they used to. I'd sneak in thinking I had finally pulled it off when a light would go on letting me know it was time for a family meeting. This sounds so much better than a yelling session. Now that I'm older they are fun to be around but sleeping anywhere near them isn't my idea of crashing after a night of partying. I'm willing to play by the rules though because hey, it's free and it's Vegas baby!
My neighbor and I have quite an unusual relationship. We ignore each other until his music gets out of control and then I go over and ask him to turn it down. He's always friendly but we seem to do this dance at least once a week. I hate to be an old lady about it but we live in a house, not an apartment, so when my walls are literaly shaking, his music is way too loud. Other conversations are about not flicking his cigarettes in my yard or making sure his friends pick up the beer cans that are always in my yard after a party. Overall, it's never been good so you can imagine my horror when I woke up after having a dream about him last night. He wasn't just in the background, he was the main player. In the dream, we were laughing and tickling one another. Flirting. Now, the disturbing part is that I know exactly why I had a dream about him. I know it's just human nature, but I tend to desire things I know I can't have. I don't desire him in anyway but he's been packing his things and moving so now all of a sudden I have the urge to invite him over for dinner. Don't get me wrong, I ignored him this morning just like I always do. Why start now? It's like when I desire my husband like crazy the only time of the month I can't have him. I'm sorry if this is too graphic but it's always the same. I know that I can't have him so I want him like mad. I'm not like this for material things but only people somehow. I had a roommate once who was a great friend and I liked it that way until he started liking my bestfriend. Then all of a sudden, I found him extremely attractive. I just tried to register to take an art class but it was closed. I just thought the class would be fun until I found out it was full. Now I want in more than before. I even called to be put on the waiting list. I guess I'm always afraid I'll miss something good. Maybe I'm trying to cover up a hidden sense of rejection.
Just like most cities, we have a street named Broadway. Every Broadway I've been on has always been a high traffic area. Well, we're no different except our Broadway runs along the east side of the park I like to jog in. Spirited toddler and I have this ritual where I jog around the park while he snacks away and sings in the jogging stroller. Of course, I tend to get a little nervous when I jog past Broadway because occasionaly a car will pass and honk. Now, I'm never sure if they're honking to annoy me or to thank me but it always scares me. I tend to get into the workout zone after awhile so when someone honks, I usually jump slightly followed by a dirty glare. I guess this is considered the lowest form of cat call a girl could expect. Spirited toddler luckily does not see me give "the evil eye" to honkers due to being in front of me. Well, this was the third day in a row a car passed and decided to thank me for the show so I got pissed and shot them the bird. Now I know it wasn't the most adult thing to do but for some reason, it just happened. I even gasped at myself in shame but it did the trick. I felt vindictive. I glanced around to make sure no one else saw my rudeness. Later that day, spirited toddler and i went to the library where I saw abnormally large breasted friend. "Are you mad at me?", she said. "No, why?" "Because I was waving at you while you were on your run and you flipped me off." I began to apologize but wondered if all the other cat calls were just friends too. For now, I'd like to live in my fantasy world and think they're all admirers
I'm going to Vegas on Friday for a weekend fling. Girl time. I've never actually been to Vegas so of course you can guess that I'm thrilled. Most trips I pack and do laundry the night before but for this one, I'm already starting to fill the bags baby. I bought a cool new swimsuit, a sexy black dress, and comfortable shoes today. All of which I couldn't afford. In my mind, I'm already there. Sitting next to some well adorned old lady playing slots and drinking something that puts me at ease. I have to hold myself back because the thrill in my head can often be bigger than the actual event itself which can lead to disappointment. I've even gone so far as to pick which movie I'm bring with me to play on my portable DVD player during the flight. I'll sit there laughing to myself while others look on wondering what's going on in my earphones trying to lean in to catch a glimpse. And yes, this will be the first time in history that I have left my son and my huband at home. Watch out folks, I'm on the loose. I hope I'll want to come back. Cute hubby agreed that it would be a good idea but now he's sweating. He has no idea how hard it is to be with a two year old for three days straight without an adult around. Everyone, please pray for him.
I feel very athletic today. Not from what I've done or from how I look in the mirror but from what's on my wrist. When I went to culinary school a few years ago, I got horrible carpel tunnel from using my knife everyday. It was so bad that picking up my knife became impossible. Surgery helped but the sleek, black brace on my wrist and fingers really did the trick. Occasionaly, due to stress, it flares up again so I pull out the old standby. The problem with the brace is that the minute I put it on I feel foolish. Why? Because it looks like I'm on a bowling team. I don't actually consider bowling a sport but many do and for that, I am sorry. It's like something takes over. I put the brace on and instantly I become a white trash bowler. Cute hubby thinks it's funny too so he'll come up to me and say, "high five!....good game girl" I fall for the humor by giving him a high five which makes me always laugh. Sometimes when he's looking, I even go so far as to lift my hand up, imagining there's a bowling ball in it. I take three steps forward while drawing my arm back with a concentrated look on my face and actually act like there's pins in front of me. Of course in my imagination, I always get a strike or at least a spare. Why? The brace. It means I take my game to heart. I know this sounds silly but that's why it's fun. It's impossible to take me seriously as a professional bowler though. Maybe a race car driver who only drives with one racing glove. Well, that won't work because it's difficult to turn the stearing wheel without turning your wrist which is the whole purpose of the brace. Usually after a day of wearing it, my hand feels better so my career is put on hold. Or at least in the closet, but often it takes all day and night. It's not exactly the most comfortable thing to wear to bed but imagine the horror of spooning someone. You get all cuddled up and then all of a sudden....the arm comes at you but sticks straight out because of the brace. Black, hard, itchy, unbendable. You can't spoon. You can't hug. You just have to enjoy the solitude for the night because believe me, it's creapy sleeping next to someone with the brace. It's like when cute hubby had this huge cast on....I just couldn't sleep with him. I'd relax, get into bed and bam! stub my toe on that stupid thing which would make him scream in pain. So maybe from now on we should go our separate ways when one of us needs to bring some weird object to bed with us. It's for our own safety.
Make-up sex......raw, angry, forgiving, giving, taking back what belongs to you. A release. A connection. This is the best and worst sex wrapped up into one. A necessity at times. Cleansing indeed. I'm thankful for a new day but will remember yesterday. The city is starting to look more alive everyday. People are outside... playing. Some people say they love the way their town looks with Christmas lights, well this town is definately lighting up.There's a spark. I've caught it. The heat, the sun, the tans, the sunburn. It's all starting. Pools are filling up. Parks are filling up. Tennis courts are filling up. You can't help but spend every moment taking it in. We've become a community again. I feel my sould refueling, ready to take it on.
I've heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. If that's the definition, then I'm definately insane. Today I cried. It felt cleansing. I was on the phone, crying. My eyes felt puffy so I walked to the mirror. It's weird to see yourself cry. I was apologizing to the person on the other end while looking at myself. Apoligizing to myself at the same time I guess. It was sureal though, like I was looking at a stranger. The other person was assuring me all was forgiven but I couldn't let it go... how I had hurt them, how I had hurt myself. I have this beautiful pair of red shoes that I adore. I'm not a shoe person but any smart woman would know this pair rocked. The problem is that everytime I wear them, I get a horrible blister on my heel. When I get dressed, I look at them wanting to pull them out, thinking this time will be different. Maybe I've broken them in. Maybe this time no pain would come from feeling good in them. No, it's always the same. It feels good for awhile but eventually, I start walking differenty from the pain. From the blister. I don't know why I can't just bring myself to throw them away. The curiosity? The thought of the fun I can have while wearing them maybe? I tend to make decisions without thinking. As long as it works for me. As long as it makes me feel good. I don't think long term. I live in the moment but it's not the responsible thing to do. I dabble in both ponds, a toe in each. A crocodile could come along any moment, and I know that. It's just that I like sitting there, telling people, "see, there'a no way I can get bitten. I'm too fast," but I know I can't be faster than the crocodile. They know that but they put up with me, standing two feet behind, cringing while they watch. One day I'll learn. I just hope it's not through loosing a limb but becoming wiser.
I'm a little off today. I got up later. I did things like showering, straightening up, returning phone calls, a little out of my usual routine which somehow seems to have thrown my entire day a little to the left. I get in the car, adjust the mirror to make sure someones buckled up tight and notice my lack of makeup. I totally forgot because it was out of sequence. I wear makeup to feel pretty. Sometimes I don't wear makeup to feel natural. Today I did not want to feel natural though. I think about the things I do and the reasons I do them. I call my parents to catch up. I moved away to escape the drama. I workout to feel thin. I bake cookies to feel like a mom. I go out with the girls to feel a little less like a mom. I eat some watermellon to feel healthy. I fuck to feel like a whore. I label things to feel organized. I email to connect. I read to disconnect. I wonder if I'm only fooling myself. Do I even know the real me? Or am I just fooling myself and others by the things that I do? It may seem like an internal conflict but I don't feel conflicted at all. Do these things just make me feel normal? Better than? Or do I do them to feel equal? Maybe I can take a a nap and start all over again.
One of the things about being married is that you get to see every single aspect of someones life. The daily things. The morning grouchiness, the late night laughter, the goodbye kiss, arguing over stupid things, it's all a part of the whole. My husband thinks he's in charge of the house but it takes one wink from me and he's puddy in my hands. Sometimes when he goes to work, I wish I could go with him and watch him, talk to him, it's the one part I have to hear second hand. We met for lunch today which is often quite enjoyable. I see him in a new light there, dressed sharp, smelling of cologne, in charge. I watched as people did what he asked and seemed to enjoy doing it. If only they knew he was naked, dancing in front of me last night while I listened to Celtic music. I would scream with horror and delight which would only make him do it faster. You think you know someone but it in many times it's just a puzzle piece. Living, breathing, laughing, making love, eating with someone makes the pices come together. Often it's a different picture but the same pieces. I watched as he made people laugh. I watched as he tried to get organized which is usually his downfall. In that short time, I realized I truly knew someone. I know what makes him smile, what makes him frustrated, what he likes about me. He may be the only one who has seen all my sides as well as well. I love that about us.
I just came back from the grocery store which sounds boring but while I'm in line, I start reading a horrible magazine called USWeekly when I notice some adorable man looking at me. I get a little flustered because I'm reading such trash so I put it on the conveyer belt...so I can read it in my own home. Anyway, I turn around and he's still looking at me. I think, "that's right, I'm a beautiful, older, unavailable woman, of course you're attracted to me." I leave feeling quite confident until I get home. I'm unloading groceries when a truck pulls into the driveway across the street. Who lives there has always been a mystery. I've been convinced that they have some huge drug ring set up because they never leave the house or open their blinds. Suddenly, I hear, "weren't you at the grocery store?" "yes, that was me" I say. He said, "ya, I notice weird things like that." I'm thinking, "weird things, like me?" So I decided to try and be a little clever by saying, "well, if I knew you were going to the grocery store, I would of given you my list." Now come on, how could he not know I was kidding? No laugh, he just said, "well, I usually have quite a lot to get for myself." He thought I was serious. Here he is thinking I'm this woman that he's never met who wants him to grocery shopping for me..."don't forget my USWeekly son, and here's your five dollars." I can't seem to let it go, the fact that he thinks I'm weird. I've been looking out my window in the direction of his front door replaying my entire grocery store trip. In that one moment, I became the crazy woman in the neighborhood who you try to avoid. I want to be the cool woman who lives across the street again. Maybe I never was. Maybe I should knock on his door and bring him cookies so I can try again.
Well folks, I've got quite the conundrum. We went to a birthday party yesterday where I saw abnormally large breasted friend again. We're really good friends except she always finds the need to hug me when we say our good-bye's which really annoys me. I've tried everything I can to stop it....the quick escape, warning her I've got a cold, having my arms full, but nothing ever works. I'm not much of a touchey feely person unless it's someone I love but yesterday it got worse. As we were walking out the door, spirited toddler on my hip, and cute hubby was holding my hand, she leaned in and kissed me. But oh no folks, after the kiss, she still hugged me! What gives? It caught me off guard so I didn't even have time to turn in shame. As we walked out the door, I thought what the hell just happened? "She just kissed you honey, and I'm going to be thinking about that all day", said cute and crazy hubby. Now what do I do? Maybe next time I'll just grab her tit and say...."see, how do you like that?" A little too much? I need something drastic to get the job done. On a lighter note, we were getting ready to go on a hike/bike ride this morning when cute hubby dropped my bike trying to put it in the truck. The gear shift broke off so I was riding it blind today. I had no idea what gear I was in. Afterwards, we took it to the bike shop for repairs when out of the corner of my eye....I see a basket that you can put on your bike between the handlebars. It even had cool plastic flowers on the front. I looked at it for way too long pondering how it would look on my mountain bike. I know it would be silly but can you imagine the things I could put in it? Keys, water, a small dog, the possibilities are endless. I'm not so sure I could pull it off. Maybe streamer handlebars are more my speed.
It's late, I go into the bedroom and wait for my eyes to adjust so I can see my sleeping lover. I undress and contemplate putting on socks but thought I'd look silly so decided against it. I climb in bed trying not to wake him. I put my arms around him while he's laying on his side. He's still asleep but reaches behind me and pulls my hips closer. I lie there thinking about everything that's happened today. I keep rewinding the mini movies, occasionally smiling, dreaming. I go in and out of sleep for a few hours. I think about putting my bike in the truck and driving to the park before the world wakes up. I imagine what I would wear, what I would listen to. I stop imagining and try to slowly squirm out of bed. I do not want to wake anyone up. "Honey,it's been 3 years, you need to sleep." he says, "I know, I'm sorry" I still go feeling guilty but I can't just not do something. The sun is not out when I dress and drive. Two days ago I passed by a group of old men who were birding. I said, "what are you looking for?" "A Vermilion Flycatcher." "It's really bright red but small." I move on after I take a glimpse up in the tree only to see nothing. This morning I passed by the tree again. There it was in all it's glory. Georgeous. This makes me happy. I want to put him in my pocket but I'm not wearing any pockets. I reachout to grab a leaf from the Oleander tree. They say it's poisonous which is why I like to reach out and touch it. I smell the leaf. Nothing. As I turn the corner I wonder if that damn Starbucks to go coffee mug is still in the same spot it usually is. I've seen it for weeks now. I even went so far as to stop and kick it once to see if it was full. It was. This time I laugh as I ride past. My attention to detail can drive me crazy. The sun starts coming up as I see the truck up ahead. I wonder if anyone in my house has woken up yet. I watch as the golfers pull out their clubs from their trunks. I wonder why they dress so bad. The sun feels good on my face. I lean my head back to absorb it's rays.
Yesterday I had the unpleasant experience of shopping at Victoria's Secret. My plan was not to go near there but walk past. I was intrigued by the black see through teddie and the huge crowd. I couldn't resist anymore. Everyone talking about cup size, panty lines, g-strings. I don't think I've been in such a store where people feel so comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time. The men were nuts. A few walking around from one end to the other in a haze. Some men in groups I'm assuming for moral support. These were the worst ones, talking loudly about how they don't know what their girlfriends wear but Acting like they have close relationships and are comfortable with the whole lingerie thing while making fools of themselves. Buying lingerie from that stores goes against everything I believe....the price, buying into a name but my knees went week. I guess in the confusion and holiday spirit. I walked away with something I can't afford but will truly enjoy feeling good in.
i'm have to admit i picked my jeans off the floor today before putting them on. I'm organized when it comes to most things but tend to slack when it comes to clothes. I doubt I'm the only one who put the same jeans on she had last night. The second day they're much better, a little roomier, except I smell the orange I ate in the car yesterday on them which reminded me that I wanted another one. I actually bought a bag of oranges because of the name....little cutties. They're small, seedless and cute. I actually feel cute eating them too. I don't usually buy fruit based on the name but this time it worked. Love is in the air. Last night I had such good sex that I woke up with a smile. This whole Valentines thing is making cute hubby a little nervous. I guess performance anxiety. We have days full of romance all the time so he doesn't know what to do on Valentines. When he feels pressured to do something special, it usually turns out bad. It's like on your wedding night. Everyone assumes you'll be having the sex of your lives but the truth is, it's probally the worst night because you're so damn exhausted from the festivities but you still feel pressure to perform. He feels the need to do something special because everybody else is but he makes everyday great so there's no need to do much. We did have wedding night sex but it wasn't our best so I sometimes wish Valentines would just go away so we could get back to reality. We got engaged on Valentines Day but once again...performance anxiety. We lived together for awhile so when I got the package from his mom, I opened it...it was an engagement ring, Beautiful and antique I didn't know what to do. I told him I opened the box so he hid it. It drove me crazy. I just kept looking at it when he wasn't there, trying it on. Anyway, needless to say, by Valentines Day, the novelty wore off...I just wanted my ring. I get so excited I tend to ruin holidays. When Christmas rolls around, I've usually peeled back the paper for a peak. I can't stand waiting for anything, especially something that would make me happy. Fridays are hard, I have to wait all day for the weekend to officially begin. I'm going to make carrot cake today which is his favorite. I love cream cheese frosting. mmmm
there's not enough coffee in the world to spank me into this morning. I'm in a haze that's quite painful from yesterdays workout. I went on a long enjoyable bike ride and topped it off with a jog. Believe me, a woman with these breasts was not meant to jog. I parked so that halfway through, spirited toddler could get out and play at the park. While I'm there I spot the dreaded public restroom. I'm not sure if seeing it made me want to go or if I had to go before but either way, I was in quite the pickle. The entire time we're playing, it was in my vision teasing me urging my bladder to release itself inside. At this point I'm at a fork in the road. Do I fight the urge and jog painfully the other 2 miles or do I proudly walk between the doors with the stick figure wearing a skirt? After about 30 minutes, I made, what I thought, was the smartest decision. With toddler in tow, I was going in. Fearful indeed but I need to do more things outside the box I decided. We're both locked in when my mind starts wondering. He starts grabbing and unrolling the toilet paper which I just let happen because I've got business to attend to. I've decided a quick squat and I'm out of here. I assume the position. My thighs start burning as I try to hover above the dreaded seat. At that moment, I see spirited toddler is going towards the shiny box. You know what I mean? He started to lift the lid to see what was inside. I couldn't let fate in at this point. Without thinking and without clinching the right muscles, I saved him from the box. My point is that all this time I blamed disgusting restrooms on men but now I realize it's crazy women like me. My finger is itching this morning so I'm sure I picked up something I should be ashamed of.
I can't seem to make a decision about work lately. I have an opportunity to go to Snowmass, CO to meet others who are doing the same kind of work. It will be kind of be a conference for all of us who teach sign language to learn from eachother. I know it would be nice to see how they run their classes and maybe get some tips but I'm not sure if I can afford it. On the other hand, skiing sounds nice too. If I'm going than my window of opportunity to make plane reservations is closing so I need to do it today. My business partner is going with her husband so maybe that's all we need. She could represent us but than maybe I'd feel like she knew more or something which would make me feel a little uneasy. The thought of having a toddler on a plane plus a 3 hour car ride with them really scares me so my fearful side says no but my business side says hell ya. I hate to be left out of anything. My half would be paid for by the business but there's two others that I'd have to pay for. On the otherhand, it will be a family affair which would be a nice vacation too. Maybe I could look at it less competatively and be thankful that she wants to go so I don't have to. I've actually gone so far as to write the pros and cons out but it's a dead heat. I'm teaching tomorrow so it takes me most of the day to get organized so it's on my mind. We've been having the "Should we move?" debate lately which makes me think maybe if we were really settled here, we wouldn't keep having the discussion. We'd be happy anywhere so I guess it doesn't matter but it would be nice to see family every once in awhile. Cute hubby said last night, "The part I love about you is that you take on everything with such passion and i don't want that to go away" which is sometimes what my family can do to me. Can I really be myself with outside influences? So many unsettled questions. Well, I guess it's just two.
I rarely sleep so when I am asleep, don't even try to wake me. Damn cute hubbby. I awake to the feel of a warm tounge slide across my bottom lip. He tited my head and whispered in my ear. Promises of pleasure and warmth. I growl but enjoy every minute. I complain while he laughs and strokes my legs. I'm in that half sleep half bitchy phase which turns him on even more. We make love in complete darkness like we're new lovers. Just when I think it can't get much better, it does. I lay on his sweaty chest listening to the sound of his rappidly beating heart feeling alive.
On Mondays I have my mom group. We're a bunch of women who wouldn't otherwise be friends except we have this bond called "Kids" so somehow we're instantly friends. I guarantee you I wouldn't really be friends with half of them if it wasn't for the little ones but I still always have fun. Spirited toddler and I decided to move from the park everyone was meeting at to the one across the street for a change but it was a disaster. We're the only ones over there except this college looking guy that's climbing on all the equipment taking funky pictures. So I said, "do you have some weird art project you're working on?" "Yes" he says. "You're not the typical guy I see at the park at 9:00am." He laughed and kept taking pictures. At that moment I catch spirited toddler running towards these statues but he slips and falls so I started to head in that direction. I guess earlier in the morning they must have had the sprinklers going because what he slipped on was pure mud. He's trying to get up but slips again. It's like some trap that's keeping him in the web. Without thinking, I ran over to try and help when I started flailing about like I was on ice. My fate was quickly sealed. We were both covered in mud. I turned towards the guy who now had huge wide eyes looking at us. I said, "quick, bring me the stroller." It was filled with wet wipes and hopefully new clothes. He pushes the stroller just as I rescue spirited toddler. I'm not sure if he wanted rescuing because he was obviously very pleased with the mud. He kept saying, "look mommy" while he started clapping his hands together which of course splattered the mud even more. I was laughing but I think the guy thought I was crying because he looked a little nervous. "I don't think you'd be a good photographer." "Why?" "Well honey, it doesn't get much better than seeing a woman roll around in the mud on such a beautiful morning like this." Too bad none of the other moms witnessed it. I started walking back ready to tell my war story. I think they were all just glad it wasn't them. Anyway, as I was leaving, I swear I saw an old friend of mine. It looked just like her from afar but she has moved to Italy. At that time, I started thinking funny things like....maybe she made up the whole Italy story to break off our friendship. Maybe she still lives here but her life is better now that we're not friends but then I thought, Italy seems like such a production just to dump a friend, like when you hear about people who fake their own deaths later to find out they have a better life after they left it all behind. I secretly know she really is in Italy but weird thoughts like this come into my head regularly. She would of loved to see me rolling around in the mud like a pig.
I knew the night would be fun when cute hubby said, "would you like me to buy you a new sex toy tonight?" He knows just how to make me smile. Waiting and wondering what he'll bring home is a slow torture. A book I read comparing men and women sexually said women who have sex want it more and more and the women who don't have it very often don't seem to want it which means the more you have it the more you want it. I'm often like this with many things. The more sunlight I get, the more I crave being outside. The more chocolate I eat, the more I crave it. The more orgasms I have, the more I want them. Cute hubby has been grabbing me by my hips all day, pressing me against the wall and kissing me hard. I open my eyes to see if he's looking at me. He's still got his closed. Being spontaneous goes out the window when you have kids but the anticipation builds all day which can make things quite enjoyable. We work well as a team, in and out of bed. We know what needs to be done and we are willing to do the work and help each other out to spend quality time together. What makes our relationship work is that we both express our needs. I don't just wait until he fulfills my needs. I'd like to think that just because he knows me so well, that he know what I need but my needs change constantly...I need time alone, I need you to help me, I need your opinion, I need you right here right now. Anyway, it's my responsibility to listen to his needs and desires and try my best to fulfill them or accomodate him. He on the other hand, does the same for me. That's how we make it work. It's in both of our best interest to make sure the other person is happy, satisfied, and content. Tonight I'm happy and content, but not satisfied. I want more.
So far I have spent the day with myself. I'm trying to get back to me. I decided to go for a quick jog (I really walked but jogging sounds cooler) which turned into an hour long ordeal. I didn't realize the track was that long but after I passed the tiny sign that said "Mile 2", I began to get nervous. I tried to intentionally focus and breathe. I wore sunglasses to fight the rays but to also fight the need to look at the other joggers and give a fake smile. I'm listening to women rock out on acoustic guitars and I'm starting to feel empowered. I can't figure out what went wrong. I've gotten off somewhere and can't seem to find my way back. When spirited toddler gets on his scooter, he only goes in one direction, straight ahead. Then he looks at me which means it's my job to pick it up by the handlebars and turn him around so he can keep going. I'm always there to set him back on track, his job is just to go. My life is filled with choices to get me back on track but most of the time I'm not sure how I fell off. It just kind of happens without me knowing it. I wonder if I'm really moving forward or just going around in circles. As I'm jogging, I notice the writing on the track is upside down and backwards. I'm going the wrong way but I know I'll get there eventually and besides, I'm the only one who knows I'm doing it wrong. I occasionally look at my shadow which makes me suck in my stomach and clinch my butt cheeks to see if that helps but it really doesn't. My shadow goes away when I turn the corner. I try to maintain some evenness by the things I do. I'm walking because of the chinese food I ate last night but if I hadn't eaten it, I wouldn't have to burn it off. Oh well, I enjoy the pleasure and the pain. Both extremes but often times I'm leaning to one side. I'm trying to maintain a strong core to stabalize my life and emotions. I need a release but often times it just stacks up until it's clogged but by then it's too late and I need serious maintanance. I want to enjoy everything but I often can't because something holds me back. Myself. It's like when passion catches you off guard and you thing, "crap, I should have peed first but it's too late" which means you can't have an orgasm because you're trying not to pee. Releasing those muscles could lead to real pleasure but also a real mess so I just stop and let someone else enjoy the moment. Yesterday I was unhealthy in everything I did but today I'm making up for it but doesn't that just even out in the end which keeps me in the same spot?
Freaky Friday indeed. This morning was one of those days where you think wow, I feel good. I look good too. When you feel like you look good, you start to carry yourself different. Maybe it was my favorite red lipstick. Maybe it was my tight tshirt. No, I think it was the hair. Anyway, it can only go downhill after you hit your peak at 7:00am. Abnormally large breasted friend and I went to the Library Book Sale which is where they sell all the old books to the public. We stood in line waiting for the moment...finally, they opened the doors and we ran in like they were giving away diamonds to the first 50 customers and we were numbers 48 and 49. I'm stuffing my bag while my adrenaline starts pumping. "Ooh, a book on Australia. I'm not sure I'll ever go there but for 50 cents, hell ya." People were fighting for the text like water in the desert. My friend has one of those rare kids who is extremely laid back and willing to just sit in the stroller while his mom shopped. I on the other hand had to wait outside until she was done due to having a spirited kid. I actually try not to talk too much about how much I love my son because I try to use blogging as an escape from motherhood but I'm willing to break out so stay with me for awhile. My son is wild and crazy, filled with fun all the time. He finds where they keep the boxes for people to fill with books and crawls in one of them and then jumps up and says, "suprise!" Just like someone jumping out of a cake. Everyone laughed which made him do it about 32 more times. We decided to go to the Botanical Gardens to enjoy the sun a little but due to too much spirit in spirited toddler, we had to leave. He's in this phase (I hope) where he sticks out his chest and goes up to kids hitting them with his puffed out chest like some alpha male protecting his territory. It's funny and frightening at the same time. After about the third time of knocking down the other kid, I had to escape. Shortly after naptime we head to the zoo. Let's just say, it was a memorable trip. Last time we were there the elephant was just standing there swaying back in forth like it was trying to forget how miserable it was to be in captivity. I found it disturbing but to make matters worse, he was doing it again, today, in the exact same spot. Maybe they make prozac for elephants. Next, the giraffes. They look so beautiful and poised. NOT! They were horney as hell. One of them had an erection while he was slowly trying to corner the other one. I am afraid to admit, I couldn't stop watching. I tried to shuffle the kid along only to see something worse. These two gay guys are giggling over by the polar bear so I'm curious to see what they're laughing at. The polar bear has found a friend. This poor duck somehow wondered into the cage. The bear is playing with it on the grass like a ball. He's batting it around while it's flapping like crazy. I didn't know wheather to laugh or feel compassion. The poor parents next to me had to explain to their kids that "the bear is just playing honey, don't worry." At that moment, terror erupted.....He ripped the head off and flung the webbed feet in our direction. On a happier note, we've rented "The Sopranos" tonight which I always enjoy but for some reason,I tend to get so wrapped up in every episode that I develop quite the potty mouth afterwards. This is why I don't have cable. It's for my own good.
My sister called today and she said she thought something was wrong with her. My ears perked up as I could tell she's about to open up. She said she's been fantasizing about other men. She's only been married for a year so this suprises me. She said, "the last time we've had sex was Christmas." Without thinking, I said, "oh my God, what's wrong?" They don't match sexually. She wants it and he doesn't. I give her all these suggestions like, "go rent a porn, or read a sexy book together, go buy something fun at Fascinations." "No" she said, "he's not into any of that." So I say, "do you think he's having an affair." "No, I think he's just not attracted to me anymore." When they met, my sister was overweight but she's gotten even more out of control which makes me really sad. When she last came to visit me, I didn't even recognize her. Basically, her figure has changed so he views her differently. She said she thought I was abnormal because cute hubby and I have lots of sex. I assured her that this was one of the cores of a marriage. She said, "I don't think you have to have good sex to have a good relationship." Ouch! For me, I need a healthy sex life to feel healthy. My long lost college boyfriend hated when I talked dirty to him. I, on the other hand, love it but everytime I slipped or would twist his nipple, he'd freak out on me. Now looking back, I think he was just too afraid to let it out. Because of his lack of fun in the bed, I always heald back which lead to unfulfillment which lead to resentment. Thank God he dumped me. I actually thought I was in a great relationship. Anyway, I told her she should do what she could and fight like hell to have great sex which would save her marriage. "You're worth it." "Tell him what you want." She said she's not sure that she should have gotten married. I told her that just because she's married doesn't mean she should stop having fantasies or stop finding others attractive.For about a year after we said "I do", I kept having these dreams where I would suduce someone or sleep with a stranger. I'd feel so guilty when I woke up. Now I think it was my way of letting go of who I was. Saying goodbye to my old ways. When you get married, there's not a switch that you flick to turn off the juice. Instead, you talk about these things. Notice and feel things together. On the other hand, my best friend said she's not so sure she even knows what an orgasm feels like. She said they usually make love with the TV on and no one talks. Wow, I can't believe people are ok with this. Why settle for minimum satisfaction in any relationship? I'll be sending them both books this week. My best friend said, "oh good, but can you send it to me at work, so Peter won't see?" I said, "Girl, that defeats the purpose." "Well, I don't want to upset him."
So today has been a day of ackward meetings. Abnormally large breasted friend and I spent the morning together doing kid stuff. We decided to go out to brunch where this woman came up and introduced herself to me and said she was on a jury where cute hubby was the attorney and asked if I remembered her. Yes, I did. She was the woman who stopped us one day and wanted to talk to cute hubby about the case after it was all over because she still had some concerns. First of all, it was Saturday and we were out at the park and second, the trial was over so who cares? Anyway, I remember her because she just kept talking and talking. She did the same thing this morning while we were trying to eat. I guess she got the hint when I said, "well, my foods getting cold but I'll be sure to tell him I saw you."
We decided to go to the park where we caught up on girl talk. We try not to talk about the kids when we're together in hopes of not feeling like moms all day. It never works. So I spot someone coming over to say "hi," and then it hits me.....it's my gynecologist. He's with his wife too. We shake hands and I acknowledge his wife and at that moment I can sense her hatred for me. I wonder if she was thinking...."here's this woman who my husband has seen naked. Not only that but given an actual breast exam on." I assume it was ackward for her as it was for me. We make small talk when I flash back to the time I was laying on his hard table looking up trying to breathe waiting for it to be over when I said, "I think you should put a picture of a naked man on the ceiling because then it wouldn't be so painful to lie here when I had something nice to look at." He just laughed but the next time I was lying there, there were these four little posters tacked up above my head. Unfortunately, they had nice sayings pictured with scenery which was totally lame but it did give me something to read. So here's the man who I chose to reach inside of me to pull out a baby right in front of me acting like we were friends. We are friends but only twice a year. Outside of the office, I'd like to pretend I don't know who you are. We chit chatted and then I said, "well, I'll see you in about 6 months." "Nice to meet you," which is what I said to his wife in hopes that they'd move on. It worked and then abnormally large breasted friend and I went back to talking like nothing ever happened.
We said our goodbyes so I decided to drive to the post office to drop some things in the box. While I'm driving up to the mailbox, I notice a postal employee taking the letters out so he took my bills directly from me to add to his cart. I said, "Hey, you have nice hair." He had this cool long curly out of control kind of hair that I did think was nice. Sometimes I just speak without thinking things through, like this. Well he must have thought I said, "have a nice day," because he said "ya, you too." Then we just kind of looked at each other. Cute hubby has this friend that I always thought was sexy. I always found him attractive because because he had really long hair and I knew that he had only been with one woman. Now I realize I wasn't attracted to his lack of sexual experiences but the thought of sleeping with someone whom I could mold. He cut off his hair and the attraction went right with it. It's nice to be free of that now.
The mountain tops are covered by clouds and rain which makes me feel a little down. I feel like a dog who's just had a bath and can't wait to shake off the scent and roll around in the grass again. Cute hubby and I had a fight last night that's still leaving a bad taste in my mouth. I'm listening to Tracy Chapman which isn't helping either. I can't call him because a jury of 12 has him all day.
Yesterday I went downtown to leave a note and a suprise in his car that awaited him until he drove home. I get really excited about doing nice things for him but sometimes I get more excited than he does. He's never been one to look forward to events in anticipation like I do but sometimes I wish he'd go on and on about how wonderful things are, like me. I've learned now that him saying "thank you" and how he loved it, is about the extent of appreciation I get in return but sometimes I just want a little more. What I'm getting at is that he came home and it took him about 10 minutes to mention it and it kind of hurt my feelings. We do nice things like this all the time so I guess I shouldn't expect him to think it was the best thing on earth but I did want him to run over and smother me with kisses.
I decided to move on and slip into something black and silky. At this time, he brings up something from the past which pissed me off. He can't seem to move on and let things go. There must be some memory bank in his mind that's filled with past hurts that every so often come spewing out. I, on the other hand forget about it so when he brings things up that aren't important to me, like the fight we had maybe 3 weeks ago, it sends me into a tailspin. When we fight, I take a deep breath and ponder things before opening up again. He on the other hand acts more like the woman and keeps poking me wanting more. This always blows up in his face because it's better to leave me alone and when I'm ready, I'll come to you. Anyway, last night after fighting I decided to go to bed except he just let me go and didn't want more from me. This morning he didn't bring it up either so for the first time, he just let it go and now I'm even more confused. We didn't have time this morning to really talk about it so we had to leave it which always makes me nervous. I'm anxiously wanting to talk to him because when we're not on the same page, it feels horrible. He means the world to me so even simple little arguments, hurt my soul. I can feel it in my bones. In fact, I'm standing right now while I'm blogging because sitting hurts my back which flares up in pain when I'm stressed. When I dropped him off at work and watched him walk to the office, I wanted to yell out that I was sorry but I was in traffic. I watched him disappear as he turned the corner, away from my eyes. I hate it when he doesn't look back and wave or smile.
Today I've been struck with the fact that I never tend to stick with something for a long time. My follow through is not the best. I get really excited about a project, start it, and then the fact that I have to finish it, ticks me off so I usually stop and then I'm mad at myself. I can't seem to find a middle ground with some things in my life. I'm either working out like crazy or scarfing down food like crazy. I read spiritul books for a few months and then I read true crime to satisfy my soul. I've been knitting like crazy now, after I have been scrapbooking for the last two months (yes, I know this sounds like a middle aged mom but I'm still in my 20's). We're not talking about doing it every once in awhile but staying up late until I'm seeing double. I either cook every meal from scratch or I go all week with just ordering in. I go on a spending spree after I'm a tightwad for a month. There are a few things that I do constantly like laundry but that doesn't count because people would be naked if I didn't do it so I've got some motivation. My closet right now is so clean and organized, it makes me smile everytime I see it but that was just after the "open the door really quick and throw it in so nothing else will pop out" phase. I guess I put my heart into some things until I'm burnt out and then I move on. I find enjoyment in the challenge of becoming really good at something and then when I feel like I've done that, there's really not a need to continue. Luckily, I haven't had this feeling about my marriage. Luckily, he hasen't either.
This weekend I was sitting in my backyard while the sun was going down. They have laws in the desert like no high rises and no billboards because they would block the view of the mountains and the awesome sunsets. I love that law. Spirited toddler and I are both outside enjoying playing and just being. I'm knitting to the music of my neighbor two yards down. He's playing his guitar and I wonder if he knows how much I'm enjoying it. The neighbor to my right is cooking again. They're a Vietnamese family who I never actually see but just smell their cooking everyday. The aroma usually hits me in the morning and my curiosity wonders what they're making. Do they ever just order pizza? The family behind us, I try to steer clear from. She's always yelling at her screaming kids in between her smokers cough and he's always pushing his daughter in the swing while drinking a beer and watching his newly hooked up outside TV. Everyone around me is enjoying the weather in our own little cubicles called fenced in backyards. We're so close but no one speaks so we all carry on like we're the only ones around. I know so little about them and part of me likes it that way. I guess because if we were all friends, we'd all feel the need to invite each other over or say "hi" everytime we see one another. I guess not speaking still gives us some freedom to just live. The only one I do talk to is the dog that peers over the fence and barks at me. I start to walk up to him and he dissappears but sooner or latter, he gets up the nerve to bark at me again. I know more about my fellow bloggers, many whom live on the otherside of the world, than I do the links to my own community.
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