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I consider myself a morning person because when the sun goes down, I feel betrayed. Everyone surrenders to their desire to sleep but my body and brain fight it like crazy. That's why I love the mornings. Yes, everyone is on my side again. The morning was rare because we both seemed wide awake and flirty. Usually one is laughing while the other is growling. He went to work a half hour later because we were too busy enjoying just being in each others presence. Laughing, kissing, "You're so naughty." As we say goodbye I'm pleased that the familiar scent of my lover still lingers near my neck. All day I'm reminded of what I was denied but will look forward to later. I hear beeping when I noticed his pager was left in the bathroom. This immediately saddens me because I can't page him with our special "I love you" code. I'm stuck with daydreaming about what he's doing because he's not in the office. Finally, he's home and I know the time is coming soon enough. I say, "I've wanted you all day." He kisses me and tells me how pretty I look. I tell him, "shut up, take your clothes off." We talk about our day in between kissing and grabbing. "I couldn't wait until you got home." "The unatainable is always sexy." "Yes, you are." When I was single, I loved night sex. Now I prefer morning sex because I'm more alive. Sometimes the "what the hell, we're both awake" sex is nice because that's combining the morning and night sex which makes us both happy.
I try to run my business by bartering but it's not working. There's this woman that I'm bartering child care for the rental of her music studio which is where we have our classes. She's driving me nuts. When she calls, it takes her 30 minutes to get to the point and it makes me want to pull my hair out. She can never make a decision. "Gee, I think I have to go pee. Well, maybe my bladder isn't quite full enough. Maybe I could just look at the bathroom. Is it two ply? Let me think about it." I want to take her by her feathered hair and smack her (in a nice way of course) She's one of the married women I know who have decided to hyphenate their last name because they don't have the nerve to just drop it. Lisa Webber-Graph. Move on, you're married now. And to make it worse, she introduces herself like that. "Hi, this is Lisa Webber-Graph." Am I the only one who practiced writing my name with a different last name to see how it would feel to be married? Mrs. Pants. Yea, that sounds good. Mr and Mrs. Smarty Pants. Perfect. If you're not willing to drop your name to become a new person than maybe you're not willing to commit fully to the marriage. Now I can hear you thinking that a name doesn't mean anything and that you're still the same person even when you get married but that's wrong. It changes everything. It should be a symbol of your new life, your new self, like the ring. Taking on cute hubby's name was a wonderful way for me to express my love and devotion. Believe me, he's taken on plenty of my things. Anyway, I'm off the subject, today I'm going to have to call her and call it off. She called today for our business license which I've already given her. I don't have the time or the energy to deal with stupid people.
"My Horrible Day", or "Why you should use birth control!" I look at the clock because it's still dark out but someone very cute and small and sick needs me. Four hours of sleep. I've had better nights. It all started last night. My business was on the news which was really exciting. They did a close up and I was thankful I looked happy and smart. My fame ended three minutes later. Spirited toddler is throwing up on the carpet. I start to clean it up when I notice blue chunks. So yes, I did the motherly thing and picked it up to get a closer look. I know it's grosse but it has to be done. Humm, looks like Crayons. Yep. Business partner stops by and lets her kids run wild in my house. She stayed too long and left in a cloud of smoke. If your dog came in my house and pooped, would you make me clean it up? Then why doesn't she ever make her kids clean up after they've destroyed my house? Anyway, spirited toddler soon went to bed after a long day of whining and coughing. (Poor thing) Ahh, a sigh of relief and cute hubby time. I wish. Spirited toddler kept waking up crying due to painful coughing so I gave up and went to bed with him but it didn't help. Fast forward to this moring. Coffee. It didn't seem to help. Cute hubby goes to work and it's day three of being at home with a sick toddler which if you didn't know already, is mind numbing. I was praying.."God, give me patience today!" As the door shuts spirited toddler begins crying for his daddy which always breaks my heart. The phone starts ringing off the hook due to publicity. One man said, "I can barely hear you with the crying in the background." I get online to stop the phone. I wipe a nose, I wipe a poopy butt, I wipe my tears. More crying until TV is turned on. I don't even have the internal dialogue about too much TV this time because it works. Another diaper change as I put in third load of laundry. I hear "Milk, PLEASE!" Crap. (of course I don't say this out loud) We're out of milk. "Cookies!" In one second flat, he's crushing them up under his feet on my clean floor.(Damn it! of course I don't say this out loud) I swipe him up, head to the car for more milk. I'm thinking "come on girl, you can make it until nap time. Yea, but it's only 9:00am. Shit, it's going to be a long day." Yes, we arrive and add milk to our cart. We're done. Everyone's strapped in. What's that noise? Oh yea, it's the sound of silence. My car doesn't even attempt to start. Fuck! (this I say out loud) I take spirited toddler out of carseat and back into the store to call his daddy. By this time, I'm crying again. "Honey, can you rescue me?" Thank God he was in the office. He arrives to one pitiful wife and sick son who has gagged himself while I tried again to administer more medicine. I go to the bed and he holds me while I cry some more and then he's off to work again. Spirited toddler goes down for a nap. Thirty minutes later he's up, ready for me to entertain him. So remember me tonight when you curl up to that special someone. Remember the three words everyone wants to hear. No, not I love you, but "Where's the condom?"
I heard from old college roommate today. My suspicions were true. She now has a girlfriend and a new life. I'm proud of her and I wondered how that must feel. To break away, ironically from the people that love you, to become yourself. I know our loved ones can hold us back and at the same time try to push us forward. I have lived in a different state than my parents for 7 years and I know that has changed me for the better. I'm not sure if change is the word. Maybe now I'm the person God intended because I allowed myself to evolve. My sister still lives near my parents and it's amazing to see how different we have become. She was visiting me last week and the whole time I kept thinking, "who are you and what have you done with my sister." We used to be a lot alike but now we just have the same physical features. I love her dearly but wonder why everytime I see her, I'm disappointed by our time together. We've grown apart. Cute hubby and I have the same conversation about moving near realatives nearly evey other month. This week especially, with a sick spirited toddler, it seemed like a nice option. To have my mother drive over and help me, but I know in reality, it would be very different. I'd probally be mad at her for not understanding me and i'd start to feel sufocated. I wonder how I'd be different if I had stayed there. Maybe less creative, Baptist, dependent...I probally wouldn't be wearing my Birkenstocks but uncomfortable high heels and eyeshadow. I wonder if my true sister has ever made an appearance or if she is the way she is strictly influenced by the people around her.
I'm always looking at the clock about 30 minutes before cute hubby comes home. I still get excited and anxiously await his arrival. When we were newlyweds, I used to hide and scare him when he came in the door which was silly and fun. Now I like to reach in and give his tush a squeeze when he's washing his hair. When he comes home, I watch him change out of his suit and into his jeans and long sleeved t-shirt. It can take up to 20 minutes to change his clothes because he's telling me everything that happened during the day. I love that he can't wait to tell me things. When my dad came home from work, he was grumpy and hungry and we didn't ask about his day because he didn't want to go over it again. I'm amazed how cute hubby can walk in the door and become super dad in an instant. He smiles and laughs like we haven't seen eachother in a week. I came home late one night this week and noticed that he was very pleased with himself. While I was gone, he downloaded the songs he knows I love and made our own "making love" play list. Making love to music tends to put me in such a place that makes it seem like him and I are the only people on earth. I take in his familiar scent which makes me want to devour him. I have to remind myself to slow down. When you have a new lover, it causes you to hold back sometimes because you haven't really learned what they love or what they hate. In the excitement, you tend to go fast, straight to the climax. When you really know your lover, there's no holding back, total openess. You can slow down and enjoy the process, not just the outcome. You're willing to put yourself out there because you trust them. You trust that they'll listen to you and gently caress you while you help eachother achieve total satisfaction.
I've been trying to locate my old college roommate but had given up, due to repeatedly turning up nothing. Just on a whim, yesterday I put her name into google and got what I was looking for. She was last seen at my wedding before she disappeared but she was in this newspaper article making a paper mache John The Baptist. Sometimes when I blog, I think of us in college huddled around the computer and how we'd stay up all night and laugh and drink. One day with these two hot guys we drove to New Mexico to go skiing for the day which turned into a week of missing classes, sex, drinking, and trying to pay for one little hotel room filled with all four of us so we could shower and put on the same dirty clothes we skiied in because we were poor college kids. We'd always make garden burgers and chat in the kitchen while wearing our Birkenstocks and baggy jeans . I remember always bringing home a garbage bag full of bagels from The New York Bagel Co. where I was the manager. Instead of throwing away the fresh bagels from the end of the day, I'd bring them home to my roomates hungry bellies. They loved Snickerdoodle. I loved the everything bagel. We started a coffee shop together by pure donated things. Everything from coffee, to the espresso machine, to candles. It was so cool. There was an art corner filled with paint, pencils, and playdough. We thought people would want to express themselves. She had such huge dreams but money stopped her most of the time. She could spend days on one art project she thought was cool. We converted our garage into a movie theatre complete with huge screen, couches, even lights. When our garage door was up, people knew it was party time and they'd sit on our futon and laugh and eat. One morning I woke up and realized she was asleep with a weird guy on the futon. This is the one and only time I've ever seen her with a man. I heard she had a nervous break down but that could mean so much that I don't really know what that means. On the website where I saw a picture of her, it stated that she goes to an Episcopal seminary now which supports gay marriages. Being gay would explain a lot but I'll wait and see if she returns my email. Maybe she's started a new life and wants to leave the old behind. I guess I'd be ok with that.
My clock says 4:58am. I've been looking at it since 3:17am. I was lying in bed unable to sleep again which gets me anxious. I think, "oh no, it's 2am what am I doing up? I hope I can go back to sleep. Oh no, it's not working...it's now 2:38. Shit, why can't I sleep? I'm exhausted." I guess this is what most insomniacs go through. I usually get up and get busy because lying there makes it worse but there's always that glimpse of hope that maybe you'll fall back asleep. I couldn't get up this time due to someone pinning my arm down while they snoozed away. Listening to someone sleep next to you makes it worse. I listened to cute hubby breathe, wishing the entire time that I was in that deep sleep so I take a deep breath and try to mock his repeated in and out, but this just makes me hyperventilate if I do it for too long. My breaths are much shorter due to being wide awake. I can't stop thinking about work and how working with a friend makes it so hard because right now I feel like I'm doing all the work which makes me want to yell at her that I can't handle everything but I know most relationships are never 50/50 and that keeping score mentally will quickly lead you to anger and resentment which will kill the relationshiip. When I first got married, I thought that's how it should be...we split everything but now I realize we both give what we can which somedays may be minimal. Hopefully, you're able to give more on the days your partner is empty. But that's just it. When I'm having a bad day, I'm able to recognize that cute hubby is filling in the gaps for me so when I'm able, I reciprocate. That's the problem with my business partner. She's been showing up late after I've done the work. I've given 3 private lessons because at the time, I was the only one able too but we split everything which right now doesn't seem the least bit fair. I must practice...."No" "No" "No" Is it better to assert yourself or to have a healthy relationship? Well, I guess feeling this way at 5:11am isn't healthy for anyone.
Cute hubby asks..."Are you grumpy today?" "Yes." On my way home I was exhausted and overall crabby but the suicide lane relieved me of my anger and somehow filled me with joy. The suicide lane is just that if you're not from here or if you're a snowbird. We call all the old farts who hide out here in the winter snowbirds. The're rich and have a house here for when they can't handle their own state when it gets cold. Needless to say, we hate them. Anyway, Monday thru Friday between the hours of 4pm-6pm the turn lane is turned into a real lane to relieve the traffic of everyone returning to their homes after work. Overhead there's a red light and an "X" over the turn lane but people just don't get it. So today I drove down the suicide land going fast until I could see someone who obviously doesn't read and I honked and honked and honked like crazy as I approached which would freak them out as they saw they were facing on coming traffic. Although I didn't do this to the sexy guy on the motorcycle. They could be 80 years old and I would never know it but would still think they're sexy. Why? Because they're wearing a black helmet and leather pants with matching boots which just equals sexy somehow. Maybe it's the mystery of not really knowing who's on the bike which makes them seem rebelious. On my way home, I got to honk at three cars. Whew, what relief. I look at it as saving lives. When I got home, cute hubby was late so I passive aggressively hurt him by eating the sweet treat I bought him earlier. A cute cholate heart filled with teeny tiny M&M's, which in the long run, only hurts myself. I've started my period....yea, that's my excuse....but really, I did. I hate that.
There's two things we're not used to in the desert. Cold and rain. Well today we've had both and I'm out of practice. I went out without a coat on because I don't own one and I don't even own and umbrella because it's not worth buying one because the three days that it does rain, I won't remember where I put it. As I'm driving, the windshield starts to fog over which is another thing I'm not used to. Out of sheer panic, I put the window down a crack to hopefully let out some steam when at the same time the guy driving next to me picked up speed, passed me, and it was at that moment like in a movie when it slows down and the persons says..."NOOOOOOOO" all distorted like for effect that I was hit with a tidal wave through that tiny crack. The weird thing was it hit me directly in the eye which caused temporary blindness. I had to actually pull over the car to pull myself together and regain full view through my fogged up windshield. I'm lucky that I was the only one hurt. Not really hurt but maybe a bruised ego. I went back to college tonight to take some more sign language. I love it. When we hearing people speak, we have the luxury of not having to look at people, but with sign, you have to look someone right in the eyes. No turning away at uncomfortable parts. You use your whole body to express yourself. You can fool someone when you talk but you can't lie with sign language. I came home to a cute hubby who missed me and a spirited toddler who was fast asleep. It was a good night. There's something I just love about wearing cute hubbys shirt after we make love. I like lounging around in his manly shirts that just smell plain manly. It makes me feel feminine.
So I woke up, logged on, and to my delight....The feature post sounded awfully familiar. I don't know why it made me so happy but my good fortune was short lived. A mere 6 hours later, around lunch time, I was no longer needed which made me sad and wonder, "did someone complain, was I just the backup post until Howard found a better one?" I swear sometimes the featured post is up there for two days. Oh well. Poop on you smart math guy who stole the spotlight. As you can tell, I've been on edge all day. Last week the newspaper had a fabulous article about my new business which generated about 40 phone calls which quickly became overwhelming to return 40 phone calls with spirited toddler wanting me to play with him at the same time. I thought that was pretty good considering it was a Tuesday paper. Someone from the news read the article and called me to see if they could come tomorrow to do a story about the classes we offer. Well, to put it mildly, I'm freeking out. Once she's there, it should be ok but it's the before anxiety that's killing me. It's like my fear of flying. I'm not actually scared of death itself but of the 5 second delay where reality hits and I realize.."Oh my God, I'm about to die in a big ball of fire!" Crash. Although, it doesn't stop me from flying but believe me you don't want to be next to me holding the barf bag. I'm trying to prepare which is silly because I've done the same class plenty of times but someone putting a microphone on me while I'm teaching and I become one big sweaty palm. The class is full but just yesterday I received two more checks which equals people registering for the class but I can't accept them which means returned checks which means I've giving back their money which I need. Being on the news will make it worse I'm assuming. I'm a stay at home mom who started a business but now I've slowly become a working mom who has an office in the middle of a toy cluttered room who trys to work while Teletubbies are dancing right next to me. Slowly things have become a little warped like when I took spirited toddler to the Children's Museum last Tuesday. While I'm supervising kids jump into this weird open mouth with anti-smoking displays all around it, I catch a glimpse in the mirror. It was one of those double take moments and I think "wow, I'm really looking good today." Then I look into another mirror 3 feet away when I realize they're actually fun house mirrors.
Last week abnormally large breasted friend (I'm not calling her this to be rude but they cause her some serious back problems here folks!) had us over so the kids could play. The kids play while we talk about sex usually. Some friends are great for a laugh, some for advice, but this one always has sex on the brain which is why I like hanging out with her. We talked about the excitement of first dating someone and how we sometimes miss that feeling now that we're married. She said she wants the feeling back so bad but she realizes in order for this to happen, she'd have to take a lover. So I thought, should I tell her what I really think, or what she wants to hear, or is she hitting on me? I advised her that doing so would just lead to two men she couldn't figure out and she should just tend to the one she's married to. She said she's ok with being lukewarm all the time. She's ok with having sex once a month. I found this sad and thought about how many times I've settled for mediocrity when originally I was shooting for execellence because I wasn't willing to do the work. Most quality things in my life take constant maintaining, cleaning, love, and overall time to attend to. Often times, if projects don't produce the results I was looking for, I just stop and start over again thinking a new one would be better instead of fixing my mistakes or figuring out what I can do to improve it. My life is filled with half done projects, including relationships but taking care of everything can be exhausting and overwhelming so maybe my job is really to weed out the ones that don't matter and focus on the ones that do.
I woke up and made my way to the kitchen. I wraped my fingers around the dough to make blueberry scones. I love watching people enjoy the fruits of my labor. We eat on plates I've painted. Late in the morning I'm comforted by the warmth of my own knitting as it's covering my thighs. Tonight another trip to the kitchen while they eat a different creation. On the table are my photographs. I start cropping, gluing, and labeling to fill the scrapbook for our future generation to study. I catch spirited toddler reading the book I've made him which has the pictures and names of all the people who love him. As he flips through,..."dada, mama, pa pa, nana..." I lay him down in bed as I noticed the pillow case I've embroidered. I make love. I make coffee.
There's something about seeing your lover across the room that I just love. It makes me want to shout..."there he is folks, the man I love. The man I sleep with." The party sucked but the moment he came in the door, everything was ok. I think we only said hello and a quick kiss but I watched him smile, laugh, hold his drink. Seeing how he made people laugh made me wish we were alone and he was holding me. The noise picks up but at certain moments, it's like I blackout and it's silent except for our communication. He looked at me and smiled. I looked at him as if to say "come sit by me." Finally we leave and I go in my car but make a quick stop at the store for milk. I feel him grab me from behind. He also remembered we needed milk. We flirt through the store and I'm glad he's all mine again.
I take a hot bath to get ready for going out. As I'm laying on my back I think about how when I take a bath, I'm never completely covered with water. My breasts always are on their own, just out there getting cold. I take a long look at my tattoo which is on my pelvic bone. I remember getting it over a broken heart. He didn't like girls with tattoos which always made me want one. I remember looking at it constantly. I'd look at myself in the mirror with the tattoo looking back and I'd think...."wow, it will always be with me." I am forever changed. I must have looked directly at it for a full year thinking "I wonder if I'll ever go a day without thinking about it." As I laid in the tub, I wondered when the last time I took a good look at it. The color is still beautiful but it's changed. At one time it had stretched with my belly when I was expecting. It hasn't been the same since but it's actually changed with me. It used to represent not belonging to anyone but now it represents life and the life that grew in me. Getting a tattoo was another experience of pain that produced beauty and pride but I'd rather go through getting 100 tattoos at once over going through labor again.
On my way home from work I thinking about how much I love cute hubby. We've been having a dialogue about him wanting to put a bumper sticker on the car and I don't. We talk about how maybe he can tape in on the inside window which I know totally defeats the purpose. This silly little conversation has been going on for a week. As I was driving home I was thinking about how I fell for him the minute I heard his sexy deep voice at a party. I turned to see who was speaking and I was fixated and immediately started glaring at the girl he was talking to who was obviously smitten as well. Little did she know he'd be mine soon enough (insert evil laugh) Anyway today I came home and put the bumper sticker on and I'm anxious to see if he notices. I get so excited when I'm able to do things for him. I know it sounds petty but these little everyday things are what keeps us laughing and enjoying each other. Tonight is date night which is code for...paying someone to watch your kid while you leave the house just to talk more about the kid and then try to reconnect somewhere in the middle. Oh he just came in....full of joy. He noticed!
A morning quickie and cute hubby is off to work. Last night I kept waking up to someone whispering sweet nothings in my ear. You may think this is sweet but considering he was asleep trying to get into my pants really takes away any romantic feelings. Why do guys do this? There's no way in hell he can be sexually frustrated. After the fourth time....yes, I said fourth time of waking up to him on top of me, I got pissed. For god sakes, I'm asleep and so are you! I jumped out of bed shook his shoulders and said for the love of God! Wake up and stop fucking me. He slightly woke up to gaze at me questionably. That did the trick. We laugh about it this morning. I love laughing with him but trust me..you don't want to wake me up in the middle of the night.
There's a fly at the window. It's trapped inside. I've opened the door but it can't seem to find it's way out. It's so close but it lingers by the window. Staying close to the light because it seems where there's light, there must be a way out. If I try to wave my hand in the direction I want it to go, it only gets more frazzled. If it only knew how close it was to freedom. I close the door because it's getting cold. I'll try again later. My business is picking up steam which is stressing me out. When I feel like I'm on the verge of getting out of control, I try to micromanage everything which makes it seem like I am out of control because I start to realize I can't control every little thing. It's a cycle that I tend to get caught up in. When work is hard, I clean like mad which makes me realize how much my house needs cleaning. When the house is messy, I yell at cute hubby which makes me think my marriage needs to be tended to. When I yell at cute hubby, I eat like crazy which makes me think...I hope my clothes fit tomorrow which makes me more stressed out so I keep eating. I've been in my garage the last two days organizing the shit out of it. It's full of plastic bins that are holding my life together temporarily. At least the visual chaos is at a minimum. I even went so far as to buy a label maker. Did you know they make such an awesome thing? I can hold this remote control looking thing and type out anything I want and it prints a sticker for me. I was having so much fun with it that I was labeling everything. Flour, sugar, toys, clothes, batteries, Christmas lights. It's an organizers dream. Organizing helps me to feel like I'm in control but I think I'm only fooling myself. Sometimes I feel like if I miss one day of controlling everything that the seams will burst and all hell will break loose but the truth is probally nothing would happen. I think that it's easier to try to keep it together than to pick up the pieces if it explodes but I'm exhausted. I know I'm exhausted when one simple thing could mean more sleep but I'm too tired to make that change so I suffer slowly like a pencil in the pencil sharpener. Before you know it, you've worn it down to nothing and then what will you do with it?
Sometimes I try to be sympathetic to cute hubby because I think he's had a hard day. Even if I've had one too, I try to pull myself together by combing out my hair, or putting on lipstick. Basically, I try to look refreshed and beautiful so he enjoys coming home to me. Anyway, I had a hard day today. I always think he's had a harder day than I usually do. I guess because I associate putting on a suit and going downtown as a real job as opposed to my laundry, dishes,and endless poopy diaper changing so I try not to complain but tonight we had this conversation which made me realize I'm the one with the real job. CH "Honey, I don't need a lunch tomorrow" ME: "Oh good (because I usually make it), why?" CH: "Well actually, I need a jar of sliced jalapenos" Me: (Still tying to be supportive by being inquisitive) "Oh" CH: "Yeah, tomorrows nacho day" So I'm thinking....it must be hard to be a lawyer. Then I realize I'm just jealous. I want a nacho day too.
While taking cute hubby to work this morning, I witnessed the old "walk of shame" Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. Putting on your clothes from last night while you walk out their door wondering "what the hell did I do?" Promising yourself you'll drink less the next time. Did she spend the night to feel loved? Does he even know her name? We live near the University so our neighborhood is filled with college coeds. Seeing them brings back memories. I still remember the feeling of shame, yet a tad proud too. Those two feelings don't really go together. What is shame? What is the point of it? He doesn't even kiss her goodbye. Just shuts the door while she's trying not to look at us. He turns and waves while wearing boxers. I know he didn't expect to see us. I wonder if he knows I'm the same person who sends him the " please put your trash cans away. Thanks, Home Owners Association" notices. Then again, maybe that's why he's so nice to me.
The two men in my life are gone to spend the day together and to give me some time to catch my breath. When I'm surrounded by people I love, I can still feel lonely yet sometimes when I'm alone I feel surrounded by love. The desert is windy today and is flowing in and out of my house taking my thoughts with it. The quietness leaves me with my wondering mind. It seems like when they're in the house, I'm screaming for alone time but when they're gone, I'm listening for the garage door to open.
This morning came early. Cute hubby said, "isn't this fun?" Waking up with a toddler between us asking for a group hug could be fun but maybe after the sun comes up. I say "Come to me." Thinking about last night, I wanted to be made love to again before the day began. It's different today. I must go to work. Every time I think....what have I done? I started this business but everytime a new session starts I still get nervous. He brings me coffee which seems to complete my love for him. Kiss to all. Crap. The truck is on E...where's the nearest gas station? I feel tall. The wind whipping through my long hair as I give the guy a ten. Quick, on the interstate so I can go fast to this song. Throughout the drive I pass homemade crosses displayed on the side of the highway. They're always covered with silk flowers and the persons name whom they miss. I think...did they actually die at that spot? At that intersection? Sometimes the flowers change depending on the seasons but I've never seen someone doing the changing. The Native Americans cherish the desert. I love being filled with culture. Whether it's the cross on the side of the road or the mariacci's at my dinner table. I pull over for the ambulance wondering if someone's in there taking their last breath. As they pass, I've been given their breath somehow because I feel alive. I forget that I'm actually driving to a destination. All this time I've just been going and it felt like I was free. The class went well and I'm filled with pride. I drive past the house that has "Happiness is Submission to God" painted on it but this time it only says "Happiness is" Why did they paint over it? Maybe they'll add something to it soon. Only time will tell. It's been there everyday since I've lived here. I want things to stay the same. At least for today.
I remember thinking....I'm too tired for this but then you put on the music. Next thing I know your hand is on the nape of my neck. Your fingers grasping my hair. With a slight tilt of the head I'm all yours. With little light I can see the outline of your shoulders and arms. I grab them and pull you towards me. My thighs wrapped tightly around your waist. The way you take off my shirt. The way my chest feels against yours. I point my toes as you lay me down. I move my hair but you say you like the way it falls on my face. Making love to you makes time stand still yet my body can't keep from moving forward. The way you know every part of my body. The way we fit. It's perfect.
Yesterday late in the afternoon, I hear a loud thump at my door. It scared me because I immediately thought someone was trying to get in. I lock all the doors and take a glimpse through the peep hole. Nothing. I get up the nerve and throw open the door as if to say...Ah Ha! Nothing. Maybe it was a bird but it hit so hard that it probally would of killed it but a dead bird was not to be found. Weird. I leave later that evening to pick up cute hubby and I see in the rocks.....a potato! First I thought "humm, that's weird. I wonder how that got there." At that moment I turned to face to stucco covered with brown fragments next to my front door. I touch it. Yep, it's potato skin. I picked up cute hubby and as we were walking in the house, I showed it to him. IT went like this: CH: Do you think we should call the police? Me: No, what would they do? CH:Don't you think they could fingerprint it? ME: (trying to hold my rolling laughter) I'm sure they have better things to do than fingerprinting our potato. CH: Yea, but we've been assulted. ME: yes we have....by a potato. So today the question still lingers in my head. Where did the potato come from? Was it like a bullet someone shot in the air that just happened to hit our house? Did someone put a hit out on us? A potato is a little passive aggressive. Should I pick it up and taint the evidence or leave it there toying with my emotions everytime I walk out the front door? Damn you potato.
Today my Day of the Dead mug has one skeleton making espresso and the skeleton at the counter has a purse and earings. Spirited toddler loves music so much that I keep trying to find new ways to encourage and fill his need for more. Thanks to Netflix, The Chieftians came today to perform in my living room. Spirited toddler has been dancing all morning and telling me which instruments he sees. At lunch time he sits at his table to eat cottage cheese when I look over and his face is in the bowl. At first I think... What's wrong? Then I take a close look and he's asleep! Life's too fun to stop for him. I plucked him from his chair and laid him in his bed full of sand, dirt, and lunch. While he sleeps I like to set up fun things in his room or in his play area so when he wakes up he sees something new. Today I put matchbox cars going into Slinky's which make great tunnels. I've also displayed on his windowsil, alligators, and elephants so when he wakes up and reaches for his milk he'll go "WOW" and wake up all happy and ready to play again. As I'm typing I can see my neighbors teeny tiny dog peering over the fence. His legs must be six feet tall because he's not jumping up but just looking at my back yard. The suspense is killing me. AH HA! I pulled my chair over to the fence and it was a standoff. I'm standing on my lawn chair and he's standing on the garbage can. Due to his small size (probally 3 pounds) I win! Last night when I went to pick up cute hubby from work there was this VW Bug tailgating me. He finally got in front of me when he flipped me the bird. At the red light, I look over and give him a "didn't appreciate that" glare. He returned it with a hurt and confusing look. So I began to think....his hand was up there awhile. Maybe he was just adjusting his rear view mirror. I still feel guilty.
I crave my time in front of the computer like a chocolate filled krispy kreme. I look forward to the solitue and enjoyment of making myself a fresh pot of joe and sipping from my favorite Day of the Dead mugs. The artist wanted to try to capture why we shouldn't take ourselve so seriously by having the skeletons do everyday things. This one is 2 skeleton tourists. One is taking a picture of the other one who is wearing a "wish you were here" t-shirt. The one taking the picture has a funny hat on and is posing by a "this way" sign. I do look at them and think to relax. My other favorite one is skeletons sitting at a coffee bar. Anyway, I went out last night with weird neighbor and other neighbor who has the monkey baby. I had not gone out with either of them before so I wasn't sure they would go so I asked one girl than called the other one. They both decided to go which was fine with me. I swear that my wierd neighbor is a virgin but she has a kid so lets just call her Mary. The movie had quite a few graphic sex scenes which were unexpected. I, thought it was a nice suprise like any American but Mary would put her head down to advert her eyes. I guess looking at her might send her to hell or it was like acid for her eyes. The first time it happened, I tried to look at her without making it too obvious because I thought maybe something was wrong. So the next one comes up and she does it again only this time she has her hands folded in her lap as if she's praying. After they ended, she looked back up to enjoy the movie again but after about the fifth time, I started to worry that maybe I've corrupted her by bring her to see her version of soft porn. My version of a romantic comedy. After the guilt wore off (.08 seconds to be exact) my first thought was...how funny, I can't wait to tell cute hubby. The monkey baby's mom was sitting on the other end so I'm still wondering today if she noticed it too. I talked to "Mary" today and she said she enjoyed the movie but she's really sensitive to what she takes in visually. She said she often has nightmares. I guess in her nightmare people are being intimate and liking it? How scary.
Statictics show that a newborn baby who receives no physical touch or affection could actually die. Do you think someone could die from too much physical touch? Sometimes my skin feels like a raw nerve or it's been burned. I give and give and I want to be left alone. No sex tonight. No cuddling either. I want to unzip my sleeping bag and crawl out of the suffocating tent. Mommy! Uh, another sleepless night. Everyone out of my bed. Everyone out of my house. Even a soft touch right now makes me retreat. Leave me and take the labels with you. Give me back myself.
I was wondering if blogging makes people think differently as they go along in their day. Like do you say, "oh, that was cool, i can't wait to put that in my blog."? Or do some people just make up things because it sounds more interesting? I think some people use it as a tool to vent. Anyway, I enjoy reading most whatever the reason. Today my mom group got together. We met at the park to feed the ducks. Now feeding the ducks when you're almost 2 really means the kids hold stale bread in their hands while the moms are trying to keep them from jumping in or eating the bread. Well, he didn't jump in today so that's good. One thing that was highly disturbing was this old man. We had moved on to the slides but I heard commotion near the ducks so I looked only to be confronted by the sight of an old man putting crackers between his teeth. You think, "what's so weird about that?" Well, let me tell you....he'd lean over and let the goose pluck it from his teeth. Oh my gosh, that's just unsanitary plus the chance of getting your eyes pecked out or one of them turning on you when you run out of food. Maybe that was his way of being one with nature. Maybe he didn't have a wife to tell him not to. I have this decision I need to make but can't seem to do it which isn't like me. Here it goes. The pill or not the pill? Of course cute hubby would like me to get back on for obvious reasons (no condoms, and more)but I'm thinking I shouldbe true to my body and not. I'd like to think that my emotions are genuine and not because it's the pill. That's the problem, you dont' really know what it's doing to you. The nice thing about the pill is that you can pretty much do it anywhere without having to bring something with you. (Not that we ever do this:))It's nice not being the responsible one sometimes which actually means I can blame it on cute hubby if pregnancy may occur but we all know, we don't want that to happen so maybe I should take the reins. Although, I don't want to give in just so he can enjoy it more...or do I? I took the only pill you can take while nursing and it made me so depressed but I've also taken one that worked well without side effects but I'm not sure if I want to take that chance again. Today was the official "back to work after the holiday" day which always sucks. Cute hubby can now drive himself to work because the cast if off but the thought of not taking him made me sad so I think we'll keep doing it. I look forward to picking him up and seeing him in my rear view mirror while I'm illegally parked.
I read this today and really liked it: "The irons of sorrow and loss, the burdens carried as a youth, and the soul's struggle against sin all contribute to developing an iron tenacity and strength of purpose, as well as endurance and fortitude. And these traits make up the indispensable foundation and framework of noble character." by F.B.Meyer Today I've been filled with thankfulness in the everyday enjoyment of my life. I think sometimes people complain and whine while blogging maybe because it's cool or what we're used to. Anyway, while overwhelmed with joy, I'm at the brink of tears also. I want to grasp every moment on the weekends and hold on to it like a memory. The simple daily rituals like making coffee and reading the paper make me feel whole or comforted. I'm not sure if it's the specifics of these daily things that I enjoy or just the organized routine. I love how I feel in my own home. The windows open, the lack of clutter most of the time, the sun and how it feels when I walk out in the empty backyard. Yet, I love how you can tell a family lives here by the scattered toys, the music, the laughter and tears. I love how cute hubby and I stay up until we can't keep our eyes open just because we love being together and if we go to bed the day is over which means somehow the enjoyment of today will end. I love how my son looks at me for a smile or to see just how far he can go. I love the sound of his voice saying, "big hug," which means he wants me to hug him. I love that whenever cute hubby and i hug or kiss, spirited toddler wants to join us and hugs our calves. No family near us sometimes makes me sad but I truly love the bubble we've created around us. It's like our little secret.
Today we went to a club to see my friends band who was in town. Seeing him was so good. I walk in and it's smokey and people are trying to impress eachother. At that moment, I was glad I wasn't really there hanging out on a Saturday night but that I had a purpose. I remember in college getting all dolled up to go out. The anticipation....how much should I drink? What should I wear? Would I go home with someone? I know the sex would be horrible but I've had a lot to drink so.... Blah, Blah, Blah. Thank God I'm married. I get to be comfortable at home enjoying every minute and the sex always rocks. When college ended, I wanted to be back there so bad. I thought it would never get any better. It did, just in a different way. Today we took spirited toddler to the symphony and then to the park. There were 3 boys playing when two of them told the other one that he couldn't play with them. The little boy said, "but who will I play with?" They said, "we don't want you to play with us." He was so sad and went to hide. We said he could play with us and he said, "what are you playing?" "Chase the baby" He said, "how do you play that?" I said," spirited toddler will run and we'll chase him." Everyone was laughing and chasing eachother and eventually he forgot the two bullies. We attracted other kids who wanted to play with us and by the end we were the cool people to play with. That was fun.
New Year was spent at home trying to keep my eyes open just to watch the stupid ball drop. I wanted to just go to bed but like all the other New Years Eves, I felt pressured to stay up. What if I woke up on New Years Day without staying up until midnight the night before...would it really be a new year if I didn't watch the clock? When I was a kid I remember being afraid that I'd be the last one to fall asleep. Then what would I do if a burgular came in? If I was the only one awake, then I was the only one in charge. Anyway, I stayed awake doing crafty things when I was debating with cute hubby whether or not I should just go to bed. At that time I informed him I was waiting for the ball to drop. He said, "it's already 10:30" "I know, I still have and hour and a half." He said, "the ball already dropped." Due to exhaustion, I failed to remember the 2 hour time change. It came and went while I was cleaning the house and complaining. Damnit, this years already going by fast. Last night we went to the grocery store for a late night pickup of goods. While coming out we actually had this conversation: CH "what are those guys fighting about?" ME "I've never seen homeless guys fight."(I thought they were homeless due to hanging out at the dumpster behind the store) CH "I don't think they're homeless because they're talking about not being a team player and I don't think the homeless are on teams" ME "Are you sure? Just yesterday I watched one homeless guy walk across the park to ask another homeless guy for a can opener." CH "Did he have one?" ME "yep, he even stayed and had his lunch with him" CH "that was nice." ME "yeah" Afterwards we stopped at friends house who just had a baby and lives in our neighborhood. They've named their baby Simeon and their house stank like cat pee. That poor monkey baby has to live in a stinky cat pee house. We left quickly so we could catch our breath and to save our son. After reading some blogs about knitting, I decided instead of envying their scarves and mittens, I would teach myself how to make my own. I have the start of a beautifl blue scarf with two mistakes I'm willing to overlook.
The guy from the newspaper interviewed me yesterday about my business and now I'm filled with fear. The article will come out on Saturday and I'm assuming business will pickup which is good but mostly scares me. I'm proud of myself for actually following through on an idea but now I have to keep it going. Most people want to be successful but to tell you the truth, I can only go so far before fear sets in with most projects. I teach sign language for kids ages 6months to 2years old. Why you may ask? It gives your child a voice before they can even talk. Our spirited toddler knows about 100 signs which have helped reduced frustration for all of us. It's something I believe in so strongly that I'm teaching other families. Our next session of classes start in 2 weeks. This makes me excited yet anxious too. My partner and I are not teaching together anymore due to needing to add more classes which means my crutch is gone this semester. I kept putting things off and thinking I'll get to them right after Christmas which mean it's time to kick it into gear which makes me curl into my shell. For some reason it's the start of something that excites me but once I'm past the start, I have a hard time making it through the tunnel. I guess it's fear but whatever it is, it sucks.
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